Low // KELLIC

1

Is life really worth it? I mean, if you're living but don't really feel alive then surely you're just a waste of space, right? Is it worth existing every day when all you want to do is disappear? Is every day worth it when all you can think of is the second when you can go home, lock yourself in your room and hurt yourself over and over again? I, for one, don't think it's worth it at all.

Society tells us that suicide is wrong. The prospect of living the rest of my life is so daunting to me that I sometimes get panic attacks. The anxiety is suffocating, so suffocating that I find myself breaking down in tears and not even knowing the reason why half the time. The tears are good though. The reason behind them never is, but at least I'm feeling something, you know? At least I know I'm still human despite lacking every other emotion.

I looked down at the busy street below me, wondering how all those people down there managed to keep their lives on track. Why is it that they can laugh and love, and be loved, but it's like I can't and I don't think I ever will be able to feel those things.

The older people. How did they get through high school, college, starting a career and even families? I can't even imagine making it to eighteen years old, not that I'm going to anyway. I didn't want to. Being eighteen meant responsibilities and having to face my future. Alone.

That was the answer to my question. How did those people get through life? They had parents, siblings, girlfriends or boyfriends and just friends in general who would support them and help them every step of the way. I didn't have any of that, at least not really.

A gust of wind came by, pulling me from my thoughts as I steadied myself. My heart was beating so fast as I realized I almost fell. That right there was the reason why I hadn't ended my life yet. I was scared. I was scared to jump. I was scared to fall. Would it hurt? Where would I go afterwards? Being an Atheist I didn't believe in any kind of after-life, or at least I was too lazy to anyway, but if I did die, then what? I would just be...gone, and I guess that was what I wanted, but the fear held me back. I hadn't yet figured out what I was most afraid of; life or death.

"Today is not the day," I whispered to myself.

I stepped away from the ledge of one of the tallest buildings in town and picked up my messenger bag and poetry book. I wish I had the guts to do it already, but something was always holding me back. I would do it though. I knew I would.

I had to go to work in the small diner I managed to land a job in years ago. The owner was a nice old lady, although she was very senile and managed to forget my name half the time, but I hated letting her down, so as much as I wanted to skip out on work, I felt like I had to show up. Plus, if I didn't go to work then I'd end up going home and home isn't a place I liked to be at, not that work is a place I want to be in either, because it isn't, but it's better than the other option.

I walked all the way there because I didn't have any other means of transportation. Since it was after school in the afternoon it was a little bit cold despite getting closer to Summer, and of course I hadn't brought a jacket with me. I tend to stick to wearing just a shirt and jeans at school because the other kids like to throw food at me sometimes, so I don't want to get my jacket ruined considering it's the only one I owned.

I guess the bullying didn't really surprise me. I used to be popular. I was one of the most liked guys in the school, that was until I came out of the closet two years ago and tried kissing my best friend, Justin, the most popular guy in school and a complete homophobe. Of course, I didn't know that at the time and I suppose I shouldn't have tried to kiss him because I knew he was straight, but a stupid mistake like that was apparently reason enough for him to turn the whole school against me. He absolutely hated my entire existence and made it his goal to make me hate myself too, and well, he succeeded. He stopped once he had destroyed my school life and now we just stay out of each other's way. I've gotten used to being the social outcast now, so I just keep to myself, silently waiting for the day when I end it all.