Clues to Finding a Peace of Mind

Drown

Letter one: August 8th, 2019

Dear you,

I didn't write your name because every time I say it, it brings tears to my eyes. At the same time, it seems to be the only thing on my mind. You are happy now and found somebody. I am so happy that you found the love that you deserve even though that love may not have been found in me. At the same time despite the initial happiness I can't help but to be overwhelmed by a deep sadness. Jealousy can be a deadly thing. I can feel it clawing inside me not just every day, but every passing moment that you cross my mind. I can't help but to hurt, but in the end, I must face the monster behind it. Myself. I am the only one who can be held responsible for the pain I face. What I fear is not the pain itself, but time. What if this pain is meant to last nothing short of a lifetime? How am I expected to struggle this way up to my last breath? Without you by my side?

I've had these thoughts on my mind for quite some time, but never thought to sort them out. Now that I see all these troubles that have plagued me every waking day organized on a flimsy piece of paper; I can't help but to smile. If a small paragraph on a piece of tissue paper is what I am meant to endure for a lifetime then I truly believe that I can handle it. What isn't understood is that the weight of these thoughts can be unbearable at times.

They are like bricks tied to your ankles while everyone around you expects you to be able to swim. Just fucking swim. But what happens when my muscles tire and my legs give out? I can't take the weight any longer. Is it finally acceptable to let myself drown? Of course, it isn't, because the second I do the world around me catches fire. Not just any fire but flames so hot they melt flesh from bone. There I remain at the bottom of a sea of thoughts while what once was my everything erupts into what will soon become ashes.

I often look forward to the day that you don't cross my mind. The 24-hour period of utter bliss where you don't force yourself into a single thought. At the same time, I fear that day. What if you disappear from my mind completely? We always made light of how poor my recall had become, but what if that poor recall takes you along with it. Then on that day that I finally find my peace you vanish forever. Then not only have I lost you in the physical world, but the fabric that you stained in my memories becomes untwined.

I find myself playing memories in my head. Scenes from a film that never made the final cut. At times forgotten until the extended version is released so that viewers and fans may peek at what lays within their beloved moving picture. These fans will never see the released film. The director found the slightest part of it unpleasant and decided to scrap the entire project. I don't know if I will ever forgive the director for giving up on something so beautiful so easily. How could someone give up on what could possibly be the rest of their lifetime on such a minor inconvenience?

One thing out of all these questions remains certain. I never have been, and never will be one thing. That is being sure of myself. Endlessly I find myself going over actions and decisions made throughout the day. What could I have done differently and if I would have done it differently what would have been the output? Would it be a happier ending? Or could it possibly be a night that I fall asleep without wanting to weep into my pillow. Time for crying has long passed. Blank stares and the constant loop of intrusive thoughts are all that remain.

I dream of you at night. The dreams are so vivid that I often confuse them for reality. Every dream is the same. We meet again unexpectedly, or under some strange circumstance. Overwhelming love is felt deep within my chest. The type that brings tears to your eyes and the only reaction that you deem appropriate is to sob. I wake up looking to see if you are lying next to me. You never are. The shock back into my daily life and the harsh awakening are enough to paralyze. What's even worse is the utter fact that we will never share a comforting moment like that again. That's the thing about dreams. They are only dreams.

I want you to remember me and I wonder if our memories ever cross your mind. Do you dream of me the way I dream of you? Do you hurt the way I do? Of course, you don't. You are so focused on life, the present, the now. You always have been. I can't seem to shake my mind and wake myself from the past. These dreams become confusing and I fear one day I may become lost in them. After all, in the end, they are simply just dreams.

From,

Me