Between the Two of Us

Chapter 1, Shine like a Bitch

The overcast skies threatened to shelter the sun, as it cast a near gloom over the rolling green hills of the cemetery, dotted with the occasional tombstone of deceased loved ones. Rae fixed her solid, gray gaze on the familiar tombstone, as her heart lurched in her chest, a pang of sadness hitting her squarely, nearly fragmenting her self-composure. It was not the first time she had ventured here, wishing against hope that her best friend, Kiersten Marks was still alive. She didn't deserve to die the way she did, her passing creating a void within the people she cared about. Her suicide still hit Rae hard and she wondered, if not for the first time, if the pain would ever go away.

In their sophomore year of college, Kiersten had committed suicide. She had jumped off the balcony of her fifth floor apartment, dying upon impact. Her death had horrified the campus community as images of her body had circulated the campus media. The horrifying gruesome scene had never left Rae's mind since that night, considering that she had been the first to find her.

Rae had just finished wrapping up her experiment in her research lab, as she attempted to make her way home. She had just turned the corner onto her street, before she had time to register the flash of a body and white-blonde hair falling from above. Terrified screams and gasps startled her to attention of those nearby, as Kiersten's body hit the ground at an unnatural angle, her head splitting open in the process. Brain matter splattered everywhere, eliciting a tide of nausea within Rae, the sight viscerally gruesome. Instantly, Rae's mind splintered in disbelief, shock rooting her in place, before she was able to process what had happened. As she hurriedly made her way to Kiersten, fear threatening to engulf her, it was clear that she had died on impact. Her neck bent at an atypical angle and her eyes looked up in almost horror.

Rae's shock had never truly gone away, as a feeling of desolation and depression consumed her. It anchored her in a way that Rae feared would be permanent. Kiersten was so full of life that her tragic passing had all but shook Rae out of whatever wild, happy, naïve life she believed she would embark on in her future. Her perspective on the world had grown bleak and her agonizing, unremitting pain had turned into cynicism. She wanted nothing more than to be left alone as those around her grieved for her passing, doling out the obligatory condolences of her passing. She had gone from sadness, to anger, to indifference all in such a short time span, that Rae wished she never felt another emotion ever again. She couldn't confide in her parents, for they were too wrapped up and busy in their own lives making a living to be so bothered by their daughter's riotous grief. Besides, Rae never wanted to impose on them. They had enough on their plate making ends meet, just as many immigrant parents did.

Sadness prevailed most of that semester, despite her best efforts to keep going. The administration had offered to allow her leave without consequence to her grades in her courses.  They even offered counseling services all of which Rae had turned down.  The last thing she needed was to continue to dwell on her death when the course work in her classes would, at the very least, keep her mind occupied and distracted.  Her professors had shown pity with Rae, but she simply kept moving.  She threw herself into her research most of all and it had paid off.  She had published her first, first-author paper after her supervising post-doc had moved on to a better position, allowing Rae to take over and become co-first author.

But none of it erased the pain, the anger, the sadness, and most of all the guilt. 

It had never occurred to her that Kiersten, the once vivacious woman, so full of life and excitement, would have done such a thing. Her family was still in shock and to this day they questioned everything they knew about their daughter's mental state. Her death had made the news, the campus grieved and yet, the world moved on as if nothing happened. Rae knew she hadn't been able to move on so easily, stuck in some weird state, reliving the fall of Kiersten's body over and over again. Even when the police questioned her, Rae remained steadfast in her answer that she had no idea how things had grown so desperate for her to have done such a thing. The police found no foul play. No one had broken in or pushed her. It was as if she had been lounging around, doing homework, before she decided suddenly she wanted to take her own life. Rae couldn't or didn't want to believe that Kiersten just had a mental snap and decided to throw herself off the balcony. It didn't seem like her. She knew that Kiersten could be impulsive and spontaneous at times, but not in the way that would seek to put her own life or those around her in danger. The most impetuous thing they had ever done was sneak into a bar.