Breathe

two

"Let's not talk about this here," I mumbled, averting my gaze. We were in the middle of a platform, this was no place to carry out an argument.

"Yeah, we'll probably never talk again!"

I froze, looking back up at my best friend. His brows were furrowed, and the worry in his eyes had turned to frustration.

"Of course we will. I'll call you later."

"Will you?" Ruby shook his head, his voice finally reaching an acceptable volume again. "You mentioned a boy back there. I've never seen you talk to him, nor mention him. Are you doing the same with me when you're out there?"

"I-," my voice broke, and I found myself at a loss for words. What was I supposed to say? I had no fucking clue about anything. I just knew that I had to take that train, and that Michael would pick me up from the station. Everything after that was just a single scary blank page.

"Of course not. I love you, man," I finally said, my tone sincere. Ruby sighed, his gaze turning to the blue sky above us.

"I don't even know if it's you that I'm talking to anymore," he murmured, his tone causing my heart to skip a beat. He cleared his throat, taking a step back. "Well, I guess you'll call me later, then. Have a nice journey."

"Wait, Ruby," I said before I could stop myself. Ruby turned back around to me, and I hesitated since I didn't know what I had even wanted to say. "I- I'm trying. To fix things. I'm sorry."

He just nodded before turning his back to me again, disappearing in the underpass that led back to the station just a few seconds later.

I stayed behind on the platform, my thoughts racing in my head, my body unable to move.

I was alone again.

I reached for the headphones that had been around my neck the whole time, putting them back on and pressing play on my phone. As the song started playing again I reached into my backpack, pulling out a new pack of cigarettes.

Ruby had packed me plenty. I would need them.

'I feel like, feel like, feel like, I'm losing you, I'm losing control.'

Even though I didn't want them to my thoughts wandered back to Asher, leaving me to wonder what he was doing right now. He sure as hell wasn't standing on a platform on his own, smoking to ease his restlessness, drowning out the thoughts that told him he'd always be like this. Alone. Abandoned.

Not fucking loved.

The restlessness grew stronger, and breathing got harder as invisible shackles closed around my lungs. My heart was racing in my chest, battling with the speed of the thoughts in my head.

This was bad, this was bad, this was bad.

Thankfully my train came in that moment, and letting my cigarette fall to the ground, I used the next few seconds to take deep breaths so I could get myself to calm down.

Once most of that sudden anxiety had left, I picked up my suitcase and backpack and entered the train along with the other people that had waited on the platform, trying not to think about Asher and myself anymore.

So, when I finally found my seat and packed away my stuff, I turned up the volume even more, closing my eyes as my whole head started to hurt from how loud my music was.

*

The sun shone down on me mercilessly as I stepped out of the station and into the middle of nowhere, almost completely alone if it weren't for the woman and her daughter that had left the train at the same stop.