HIDDEN ─ marvel

L. Whole Again

"I was really gone for five years?" Bucky asks after a few minutes.

I turn my head over and find him starring at me, pain written all over his face. I nod to him. "Yeah...yeah you were."

"Khari told me you joined the Avengers. He said you helped rebuild what Thanos destroyed."

I turn my body over so I'm fully facing him, placing my hands under my head. "We did the best we could. Some damage couldn't be fixed; like the damage the loss of all of you brought. All we could do was try to help the people move on, help them to move past the pain."

"Did you?"

I stare at him confused. "Did I what?"

"Move on?" He asks. I can tell he doesn't really want to know the answer to that question. He closes his eyes for a second, letting out a deep breath. As he says this next part, I know it's difficult for him to say: "Five years is a long time and...and I just want you to know that if you did move on...if you found someone else, that I am not angry. I want you to be happy. No matter what that means."

Maybe it's a combination of the exhaustion I feel from the battle or the emotional exhaustion of seeing him and Alex again, but I let out a laugh. As I laugh, tears being to run down my face. I no longer know whether I'm finding this amusing or sad. Maybe a bit of both.

I sit myself up, getting off the bed. I wipe away my tears and shake my head, trying to articulate how I feel. "Found someone else? You think I found someone else? Bucky, I determined a long time ago that that's impossible. I got asked out so many times in the last few years, some I did say yes to. I went on dates with other men. Hell, I even went back in time and saw you before you were a soldier. That wasn't good enough for me." I tell him, seeing the confusion wash over his face.

"You went back in time to see me?" He asks with creased brows.

I nod to him. "Thanos destroyed the Infinity Stones, so we had to travel back in time to get the stones back. But...but I was so scared it wouldn't work. So instead of helping the others get the stones, I traveled to the 40's. I went on a date with you the day before you shipped off to war."

He thinks about this for a moment. "At the Stark Expo?"

I nod.

"Then shouldn't I remember that? Remember seeing you there?"

I shake my head, rolling my eyes as Bruce's voice comes into my head. "Apparently that's not how time travel works. But my point is," I say to him, feeling the tears flow harder, my voice growing a bit strained. "Seeing a past version of you wasn't even good enough for me. I couldn't move on because you're the love of my life. I couldn't stand the thought of being with anyone but you. After you both died...it was like half of me was missing. I was terrified of getting hurt again, so I never let myself move on. But seeing you in the past reminded me that you shouldn't let fear stop you from being happy. That's what I was doing...and that is exactly why you can't push me away again."

He gives me another confused look. "What do you mean?"

I give him an incredulous look. "Before you died you pushed me away for months. You were convinced you couldn't be loved and didn't deserve it. You were afraid of getting hurt and getting me hurt, but that can't happen again!" I say, my silent tears turning into sobs. "I don't think I could survive you pushing me away or leaving me again. I really couldn't. You may be broken, Bucky Barnes, but so am I. And that's why we need each other. That's why you-you can't leave me."