No Name

October 1st & 5th 2004

Dear No Name,

It seems like everyday since that night, I have been empty. My brain is trying to escape and pulsing rhythmically. My art project is due tomorrow, but I haven’t touched it. According to Josh, he finished his project before we even got it. It is amazing, isn’t it? Thinking about it, I haven’t spoken to Luna since the party. She is always with Ben, Josh tells me not to worry but I can’t help think about what I am missing out on. I am too used to participating. I will be turning Seventeen soon, Elliot says it’s easy to forget being Sixteen and then being Seventeen and so on. I want to forget, having this new permission to have fun makes me want to forget. I can’t even remember what I last said at the moment.

It is a week until Dad returns from his trip to Scotland, he says him and his girlfriend met ‘a nice Canadian couple, they said we can come and stay with them. Isn’t that great?!’ It was great, for everyone except me. I was settling into my life, with great friends, music and parties. Elliot wants to go anywhere close to a High School, so he can become a ‘professional footballer’. I just want to survive the next two years.

In the halls on Friday, Luna was followed by some first years. You could tell she was bathing in the attention, even if it was from some eleven year olds. Recently I have noticed Luna has adopted the gothic look. It perfectly matched Ben, with his long green tinted hair. He intimidated most people, which made it hard to be social in public with him. Normally being a teenager you have most elderly couples and families back away as you innocently walk along the street but with Ben, they run in the opposite direction. That’s irrelevant back to Luna, Josh and I managed to think of a good nickname for her ‘The Black Widow’ seemed more than appropriate, all she need was web patterned tights and the red lipstick. Obviously, Luna didn’t take this very well. She tried to think of nicknames that were less insulting to me than she planned; ‘Mousey’ (very original) or she even tried to pretend I was invisible like I was nothing. Josh didn’t like this one bit; he screamed “Look! It’s the Black Widow’ as she strutted into class. Everyone laughed.

“You are such a clown” I smiled, I couldn’t help blushing

“Shut up Mousey” He ruffled my plaited hair, making the hairs fall loose

I don’t know what to make of Josh yet, is he my friend or more? Either way he makes me feel important or wanted. A perfect example of this was yesterday, when he went out of his way to invite me to the diner with the whole group during study break. Allie told me that “It was a rarity for Josh to invite you”. That made me feel special. James managed to speak, agreeing with Allie. James never spoke, he was quiet and listened to people.

I have to leave you, No Name. It is almost time for me to socialize, stupid old me. I promise to tell you all about it soon; I might be too busy participating. I’m sorry.

***

Tonight was special. It was only sitting in the same old diner but everyone was happy in that moment. This time I accepted Luna milkshake choice, banana and chocolate. Josh insisted on sharing with me, but I didn’t mind. James again managed to start a conversation about horse racing, he was passionate about it. Ruby argued with him, “it was cruel and degrading”.

After a while, Josh and I went outside. He was ‘dying’ for a smoke; he has become more dependent on them recently. Josh was wearing his Dad’s old leather jacket (it was worn at the elbows) and bandanna. He had also lost some weight, must have been the stress of his parents’ divorce. I asked him “How everything was at home?” He simply explained about how his Mum is moving out with Luna next week, somewhere near my house. Also how he hasn’t been eating or sleeping much, he was worried about his Dad.

I tried to tell him, how “It must get better, one day?” Josh laughed at me and put his hand on my shoulder and said

“Nothing ever gets better, you just try to forget.”