No Name

December 28th 2004

Dear No Name,

I am not bitter, I am sad. The kind of sad that doesn’t leave for a long time. There is this complex that I can’t shake off right now, I want to have fun and experience boys and laugh and drink and just be normal.  Nico said we weren’t anything serious, I felt the same way considering I’ve only seen him twice and touched him once. Josh can’t understand that.

It was 4 am on Boxing Day; I needed to hear his voice. I got so many beautiful things this year, Nico got me a mixtape with so many Oasis songs on it...I can say I am a fan now. Dad got me charcoal and chalks and a huge canvas, he said to make him something he can put on the wall. Dad was always too cheap to buy his own paintings.  Elliot’s present was the best, it was a little burger phone so I “could stop hogging the fuckin’ house phone”. I need to use it and I want him to be the first.

It rang and rang until-

“Hello?” Josh’s voice was so fresh, I missed him

“Hi, it’s me”

It was silent

“I’m so sorry” My lip was quivering “Please come over”

I was curled up in the corner of my bed, my chin resting on my knees. I was wearing one of Elliot’s old rugby shirts, the static fabric created little sparks as I pulled it over my bum.

“Is he there?” Josh asked

“No”

“I’ll be there in 10” He put the phone down, Josh had barely even finished the sentence

Butterflies. I wondered why they were called that, it felt like a storm was destroying me, it was just Josh and I couldn’t explain why I felt this way. The music suddenly stopped, I went over to the CD player hitting it slightly and then my favourite song started playing- Yellow. I loved Coldplay.

I didn’t even notice Josh come into my room, he was hovering in the door way, He was wearing all black which eliminated his ivory skin.

“Thank god” I felt so relieved that he actually showed up

“Why did you want me to come here?” He was cold

“I didn’t mean any of what I said” I had to get straight to the point, Josh wouldn’t understand otherwise “I wasn’t thinking straight”

“Trying to impress him” Josh gritted his teeth

“No I wasn’t” I grabbed his hand “I thought I meant it but...”

I looked to the floor, he was wearing leather boots, and my toes touched them slightly. The room was silent again; we were so close I could feel his breath on my skin. It was smoky and warm. I traced my fingers along his bare arms, stopped at his elbows and wrapping his arms around me. I had never been this close to his before, our bodies were touching and I could feel his heart pounding, it was frightening.

Josh knew what was coming “Don’t” He paused “Don’t do it unless you mean it”

I placed my heavy head on his chest; I looked at chest of drawers straight in front of me, 4:59am. I counted down the seconds, 50. I was going to do it, 38.

“I do mean it” I finally managed to form the words, 20.

We looked at each other; I had forgotten how beautiful his eyes were. 15. I had to show him that I really meant what I said. Josh tightened his grip around me, he was pulling me up. 10. Josh was at least six foot two. I was five foot ten. 5.  It happened, I don't think I should tell you all right now. It was kiss but then more, I didn't mean to do but I meant what I did. I hope you understand that.

***

"I hope you know that you is the only reason I’ve still got stars hidden under my skin. I hope you know that I’m sorry. I hope you know that I see you in everything. I hope you know that it’s okay. I hope you know that you’re all I want. I hope you know that I think you’re wonderful. I hope you know that I think you’re every sunset and every thunderstorm and every cup of tea in the universe. I hope you know that you are my entire galaxy. I hope you know that I love you. - xxx"

***

Sorry this was so short, I have a lot to think about.

Christmas is a weird time of year.

Love Always,

Ellie

P.S. I didn't have sex with him, I know what you were thinking.