Void // Billie Eilish

Seventeen

How will Lexi react? I can't imagine her leaving me again, but then again I couldn't imagine Devon leaving me either. Maybe it's just that I don't want to imagine her leaving me again.

Why is this happening to me?

I sulk as I step back from the front door and trudge down the hall, feeling completely defeated and overwhelmed. I sniffle and wipe the tears off my cheeks as I get into the elevator, and try my best to compose myself before I step out into the lobby. I hurry by the security guard without a word and practically run to my car, then break down as soon as I shut the door behind me and rest my head on the steering wheel.

It takes me a while, but once I compose myself I drive back to my apartment. Lexi's sleeping over tonight so we can all leave together early tomorrow morning, so at least I have something to look forward to. Although, the guilt I feel over lying to Lexi takes away some of the happiness I get from hanging out with her. I want to tell her, I really do, but every time I try I freeze up and change the subject.

I just don't want her to leave again.

When I get to my apartment I'm pleasantly surprised to find Lexi already there, snuggled up with Finneas and Claudia on the couch.

"Princess!" she says happily when she sees me walk in. "Come sit, we just started a movie."

"I actually just really wanna lay down," I respond and her smile falters, being replaced by a look of worry.

"Do you wanna be alone?" she asks and I think for a second before shaking my head.

"Let's go lay down then," she says and pulls away from Finneas and Claudia, who both whine in a tired protest. "Quiet, you old farts."

"That was really mean," Finneas whispers and I roll my eyes in amusement then let Lexi take my hand and lead me down the hall to my room.

"How was your day?" she asks once the door shuts, and I smile softly when I feel her arms wrap around my waist from behind.

"Shitty," I mumble and lean my head back against her shoulder while my eyes close. "How was yours?"

"Well I had class and then work at the studio and then work with the kids so it was pretty tiring, but good," she says and I feel her press a sweet kiss to my cheek. "Why was it shitty? Kian?"

Tell her.

"Yeah, Kian," I reply while the part of me that wants to tell her screams at me for being a fucking idiot.

Coward.

I turn around in her arms so I can look up at her and wrap my arms around her neck loosely. She smiles softly while looking at me, and I lean up to quickly peck her lips.

"How did the kids react to it being your last day for a while?" I ask when I pull away and she pouts slightly.

"They were really sad, especially Gabe and Addy," she says quietly, and I can tell she feels guilty. "She took it really personal actually, her mom said she has abandonment issues because her dad's gone."

I frown at that, but also take note of how caring Lexi is when she talks about the kids she takes care of. Every time I've seen her with a kid, they've been obsessed with her, the same way a lot are with me. She's goofy and fun with them, but at the same time I saw how encouraging she was when Gabe was talking about his future, and obviously she's very supportive of Addy even outside of school. Maybe Devon was right, and Lexi will be able to help me through this and take on a roll in the baby's life if I decide to keep it.