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Not now! screamed Sirius' brain. I'm trying to sort my life out this is not a good time -

"You're trying to what?" asked Remus. Sirius winced, trying to tame his shaky nerves.

"N-nothing. Pete's in the library."

"Oh."

Sirius' heartbeat throbbed warmly across his skin, making his hands shake and chest rattle. Remus was still standing in the doorway, only just in view, and far too quiet.

Sirius tried to speak. "Are you - ?"

"Yeah, I'll just - "

"Okay, y-yeah, good - "

"Bye then - "

"Goddammit Rem, please don't fucking go."

Now sitting up, Sirius watched Remus stop, face turned away, hand tight on the doorknob.

"Why not?"

"Please," Sirius repeated. He got up from the bed, standing behind the other boy.

"We need to talk."

"It's been two weeks."

Sirius swallowed. "And four days."

"You haven't even looked at me."

"I though it was what you wanted - "

Remus slammed the door shut. The impact burned soles of Sirius' feet and the tips of his ears, its echo scratched into the walls.

"You really think that's what I want?" Remus spoke very calmly. "Do you even fucking know me?"

"You were the one who didn't bring it up!" Sirius was less calm. How was this his fault?

Remus turned around abruptly. His eyes were narrowed; his lips were thin and pale. "Bring what up? I don't remember what happened, Sirius!"

Sirius' heart stopped briefly.

"What?"

"I was smashed. I can't remember a thing."

The two boys stared at each other. Remus was breathing heavily. Sirius had forgotten how to breathe.

He had a chance. He still actually had a chance. Maybe Remus didn't regret it after all.

Of course, this had to be carefully thought out - he couldn't just spring it on him without warning. It wasn't an easy thing to tell someone, but Sirius had to try. He couldn't bare existing like this anymore.

"What happened - ?"

"You kissed me."

This had to be carefully thought out, his brain supplied helpfully. Carefully.

Remus stared at him.

"On the lips," Sirius clarified. I mean, when there's a train wreck, obviously the best thing to do is to set the remains on fire.

There was still no answer. Remus continued to stare, mouth slightly open, eyes a little round.

Hope died slightly inside Sirius. "R-Remus?"

"Why would I kiss you?"

"I don't know."

"Why would I kiss a boy?"

"I don't know," Sirius said again, a little more desperately.

"I don't kiss boys."

"Rem - "

"I'm not gay!"

"Good." Because that's what you say when your heart plummets from a great height and splatters at the feet of the boy you love.

Remus laughed shakily. "Good? Is that all?"

And suddenly Sirius was so tired. He didn't want to stay awake anymore. What was the point?

"Yes, yes that's fucking all." His voice was metallic. Sharp.

Something flickered in Remus' eyes. For a moment he looked hurt. Then he pulled his walls up.

"Well, that's fantastic. Really helpful, thank you."

Sirius smiled. "You're god-fucking welcome. Whenever you need to convince someone of how straight you are again, please don't come to me."

"Is this a fucking joke?"

"No."

Remus laughed again, the sound eerily familiar. "Great. Good to know I can always count on you."

"Naturally." Sirius motioned for Remus to go.

Remus seemed to collapse. His shoulders sagging, he dragged the door open. It creaked through the silence.

"Thank you," Remus said softly. His eyes were sad. There was no fight left in him, either.

But Sirius said nothing. He just stared coldly, even though he felt no anger. How could he be angry? He got his own hopes up. This wasn't Remus' fault.

Their eyes met for another moment. There was a second of something other than pain between the amber. But only a second.

"Bye, Sirius." The door closed, clicking softly into place. He was alone now.

Sirius exhaled slowly. In, out, in, out, in, out, in -

The door shuddered with the force of his kick.

Breathing raw and rapid, sight blurred through his eyelids, Sirius switched off the lights, curled up on his bed and sobbed.