a beautiful world | wolfstar

drowning couldn't hurt

"You can only blame yourself."

"Reg," Sirius begged, voice cracking slightly. "Please, I couldn't - they would have killed me eventually, I wanted to die - "

"You still left me behind." Those eyes weren't quite so cold now. Pain was painted in between the creases of his ice-coloured irises. His mouth shook.

"I didn't want to."

"But you did. So stay out of my way."

Sirius watched as Regulus walked away, back straight like they'd been taught.

He felt like he was going to be sick. Sirius slid down the wall, head resting on his knees, praying for the imminent crash to pass quickly.

Trying to focus on something else, Sirius scanned the hallway frantically for something to anchor his mind. The early frost on the window. The broken cobweb drooping from the ceiling. The cold floor he sat on.

But nothing would work, and he succumbed to the water of emotion, deciding that drowning couldn't hurt as much as trying to stay afloat.

He had left him behind.

His brother.

This was his fault.

A sob pushed its way out of his lungs, cracking uncomfortably through the silent corridor.

He tried to control himself, pushing his pain down and tying it up into little bundles. They sat heavily at the bottom of his ribs, each weighing hard against his diaphragm, but at least he couldn't feel as much anymore.

His phone buzzed. Wiping his face hurriedly, Sirius looked at the message.

moonmoon
agdjshwlwjwlskehkegekwjw

moonmoon
h e l p  m e

moonmoon
i think i'm gonna die

moonmoon
S 👏 I 👏 R 👏 I 👏 U 👏 S

siriuslystupid
did someone in your book die

moonmoon
adhsjhoquwkshsoaja Y E S

moonmoon
please send help i dont wanna die alone

siriuslystupid
you in the dorm?

moonmoon
yes

siriuslystupid
on my way

moonmoon
this is why i love you

Sirius stood up, rubbing away tears and breathing slowly. He had managed to stop breaking for so long - what was forever?

As he was walking, he smiled a little to himself: even if it was just a joke, Remus just said he loved him. And Sirius knew it didn't mean anything, because Remus didn't like him that way. And never would, either.

Even so, he walked just a bit straighter, the bone-deep guilt a little less strong.

***

Remus was studying the wall, but did not see the wall whatsoever.

In front of him sat 'The Book Thief'. He could feel its eyes gazing at him slyly, tempting him with its flawlessly poetic phrases and harsh flashes of flawed reality.

He hadn't finished it yet. A dull ache clung to his throat and chest; an irritating prickle buzzed like flies behind his eyelids.

Remus had sworn he wouldn't cry. He had managed not to so far. Then again, it wouldn't be a first for him, to cry at a book.

The dormitory door creaked open.

"Hey, Rem - are you okay?"

"Not really."

Remus didn't look over at Sirius. He knew that he would start crying if he did.

"Moons, you're allowed to cry."

"I have a reputation." His voice broke near the end, water lining his eyes.

"It's only me," Sirius said softly, coming to sit beside him. Two careful arms wrapped around Remus' middle, holding him tentatively.

He was not going to cry. Remus had sworn it. He was not going to -

"Th-they didn't fucking d-deserve that!"

Remus turned away from the wall and towards the shorter boy, pressed his head into the crook of Sirius' neck and silently let a few tears slip through his eyelids and into the soft cotton shirt.

Sirius rocked him gently. "It's okay, you're gonna be fine, they're still alive in the pages..."

It was a mantra Remus often heard, familiar and comforting. Sirius always said it quietly, voice low and sad, patting Remus' back and sometimes stroking his hair.

The grieving boy moved a little closer, biting his lips to hold back the sobs invading his throat. Sirius, still murmuring, held him tighter, burying his face into Remus' hair.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Remus sat back, trying to catch his breath. Sirius dabbed away his tears with his sleeve, smiling a little.

"Thanks. Again."

Sirius pulled out a bar of chocolate. "Anytime, every time."

Remus grinned weakly. "You read my mind."

"It's one of my many talents."

***

so i was going to make the last scene funny because people usually laugh about crying over character deaths but i honestly could not bring myself to make fun of it. that just felt like complete betrayal to not only other bookworms but also to myself.

so yeah when reading it don't read it too much in a mocking or overly dramatic way, thank you xD