Falling Colors

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Let the Coldness Out

I was lying on my back between sets of sit-ups breathing heavily. Since Cleo said working out was important to improve your mental and physical health, I figured I’d give it go.  Not like I had anything better to do anyways.

     A knock on my doorframe made me jerk my head up.  My dad stood there, looking gloomy like he had for the past weeks now.  This was the first time since my relapse he made any effort to communicate or see me, though. 

      For weeks he had been tiptoeing around me, and I him.  It was weird being depressed and being around someone who was also depressed.  It was like their depression wasn’t a comfort.  There was no warmth knowing others out there were like me.  It wasn’t a comfort having someone depressed this close to me.  It was scary. 

     Being around all those people in group therapy was scary for me.  To see others had fallen like I had terrified me.  Depression doesn’t just happen.  Not just one thing triggers it; it is built up after a long time and when all that pressure and angst reaches the weight limit… You snap.

     “Working out again?” he asked walking in and lying down on my bed. 

     I sat up and watched him.  He used to do that all the time when I was younger and had something important to talk with me about.  The feeling of my heart racing like it had years ago whenever he did this, returned. 

      “I’ve been doing a lot of therapy lately with Dr. Jacks.  I don’t understand how she couldn’t help you, because she helped me… a lot.”  He kept his gaze trained on the ceiling.

     She couldn’t help me because she didn’t know me, I thought to myself.

     “I have been trying really hard to understand why you did it.  Why you would kill yourself?  What drives a person to do this?” his voice shook.

     “Can you just tell me why you did it?  Is it because… No.  I’m not going to do that to myself.  I’m not going to sit here and try guessing why you did it and putting all the blame on myself.  You tell me, Odette.  Why did you do it?  What made you feel so angry and helpless that you felt the only way to fix what you were feeling was to kill yourself?  Did you think about me?  Did you think about your friends?  Did you think about Leigh?  Did you think about yourself?  Because obviously when you’re trying to leave this world you aren’t thinking about anyone who is living.  Why did you do it?”  He was shouting at me.  His voice was angry, his gaze was unmoving and cold.  He stared at me, waiting for me to say something.  It wasn’t the same look where he hoped for me to say something like he had for so many months.  He was waiting for me to say something.  He demanded that I say something.

     “If you aren’t going to talk, then what is the point of even being in therapy?  Obviously if you wanted to talk to someone, you would have by now.  Maybe I should just give up on you, like you have me.  You gave up on trying to tell me how you felt, why?  Why did you give up?  I could have been there for you!  I can still be there for you.  Just tell me why!”

      I sobbed.  There was no stopping it, no matter how hard I held my breath, tried to block everything else out.  The words just spoken could not be forgotten.  The hurt they brought could not be healed.  And the pain on my dad’s face could not be unseen. 

       “I just don’t get why you did it,” he whispered, kneeling down and wrapping me in a hug.  “I’ve spent all these months trying to fix you and myself, but I can’t.  I just don’t know what to do.  I gave you space, I smothered you, I supported you in the best I could.  What can I do to make you feel better?  That’s all I want, Odette.  I just want you to feel better.” 

      He placed his chin on my head as my body shook. He let out soothing noises and rocked me back and forth.  I kept sobbing, choking and trying to stop. 

        “What can I do to make you feel better?” he asks softly.  “Because when you’re happy, I’m happy.  Isn’t that enough?  Us being happy?  Isn’t that enough for you?”

       Was it enough for me?  The people I care for to be happy, was that enough for me?  It should be.  When my dad was depressed all I wanted was for him to be happy.  Then he was and now I’m not.  Why did things turn out that way? 

      “What do you want?” he asked.  “Tell me and I’ll get it for you.  We can move, we can travel, it can just be you and me again, kiddo.”  He pulled me away.  “Because I love Leigh, I really do, but your happiness… it means so much more to me.  I promised your mother I’d keep you happy and healthy and it looks like I didn’t do either of those things very well.  So if you want, Leigh will leave.”

    I looked up at him, sniffling.  He would stop being with Leigh for me?  Just so I would be happy?  Why now after all these months?

      “Leigh and I have talked about it,” he said quietly.  “She loves you enough to leave.  I love you enough to leave her.  I should have done this so much sooner, but I was bitter and angry and lonely and didn’t want to go through this alone with you.  I couldn’t.  But now… I’m willing to make the sacrifice for you.  I’m willing to do whatever it takes.” 

     He stared into my eyes, giving a sad smile.  My lip quivered and I shook my head.  He couldn’t do that.  Leigh was a good person.  She didn’t deserve this.  She helped my dad.  She helped me.  She helped everyone.  She made things better. 

      The more I thought about Leigh and my dad the less I hated her.  I realized I didn’t hate Leigh for being with my dad.  I didn’t hate my dad for being with Leigh.  I didn’t hate my dad for moving on.  I hated how happy they were while I wasn’t.  I hated that feeling of jealously.  They were so happy and content with life, while me?  I wasn’t and still trying to find a reason to stick to living.  I hated them for having what I wanted so desperately.

      But now?  I didn’t.  It must have been what my dad was willing to sacrifice to help me find my happiness that snapped me out of my jealousy.  I finally realized the core of problems were not other people, but myself.  To find my own happiness I had to do it on my own and not bring everyone else down with me.

     I shook my head and gave him a hug.  I held on tight and kept shaking my head.

     “What?” my dad whispered taken aback.  “You don’t want Leigh to move out?”

     I kept shaking my head and held on tighter.  I didn’t.  I wasn’t going to take away what was making him happy.  He didn’t deserve that, I knew first hand.

      Then he returned the hug and didn’t let go for a long time.  He kept whispering “my baby girl is coming back” over and over again.  I let him hold me.  I let his love in.  I hugged him back.  And I let that coldness out.

________________________-

I want to thank two people in this authors note:

*so_naive: Thank you so much for all the wonderful covers you made!  They are beautiful and I appreciate it so much! (the one on the side she made, guys!)

*MeganMadness: Megan, I seriously wouldn't have known what to have done with this story without you.  Because of all those messages you sent with your input you made this chapter happen.  Thanks for understanding how realistic I wanted it and appreciating that.  Megan, you are seriously an amazing friend and an amazing reader.  You give such great reviews of books and are really honest with me on my writing, I appreciate you and the time you take with me.  Thank you! 

Be sure to check out both these lovely ladies, friends!  They deserve all the support and kindness in the world :)