bulletproof

22

"Do you want to talk about your...about HYDRA? You can talk to me about anything," She said, "If you want," She added, "I'm a good listener."

Bucky exhaled loudly, not sure how. How was he supposed to talk about the way they'd throw him into a machine and electrify him into submission? How was he supposed to talk about how he could see his victims and how he could hear them, but do nothing? That it was like his mind was still alert, but his body was robotic and detached from his subconscious. That he was screaming for help as his body lifted a gun to a sobbing person's head? He almost laughed out of bitterness. There was no way he could talk about it...she wouldn't get it. She wouldn't understand the full horrors he'd done but couldn't stop. No one would. It's never happened to them.

He hadn't realised that he'd clenched his fists so hard that they were shaking. When he realised that, he felt an ache coming from his jaw where he'd clenched his teeth too hard. Even with his brain attached, he still lost control over it.

She was staring at him. Shades of fear painted in her eyes visible for only a second until she concealed her true emotions with a blank cover of nothingness. She thought he was a monster too, didn't she... Of course, everyone did. Because he was one. The screams and cries of his victims were on repeat in his brain, shrieking in his ears and creating the taste of blood on his tongue.

"I'm sorry," He breathed, his face a picture of guilt. She was scared of him. And then suddenly she resembled her younger self. The little girl with the swan-like elegance when she danced. She had seemed to fly through the air, without a care in the world.

"It's okay," But he could tell that she was lying. Her voice was shaky.

~~~

Y/N reached towards Bucky momentarily, before changing her mind and letting her arm fall to her side. Her lips were dry, and she could still feel the aftereffects of adrenaline pumping through her from when her body went into full defence at the sight of Bucky clenching his fists and jaw. Shame seeped through her when she had realised what she was doing and feeling, especially when she saw the horror and guilt shimmering in Bucky's eyes when he'd seen her fear. She hadn't meant to be scared. It was a habit and she hated it.

"Bucky..." She started, stepping towards him, but he'd turned around already and was heading up the path back to the building.

Y/N bit her lip then started in a run, rushing towards him, desperate to explain herself, to apologise...to let him know that she hadn't meant to react in that way.

"Bucky," She called for his attention, a few steps away from him, and he looked over his shoulder at her. She caught his eye and remorse panged her at the sorrow glimmering in his blue-grey gaze, "I'm sorry...I hadn't meant to...look, I'm sorry."

He shook his head in response, "It doesn't matter. I'm used to it." His voice was monotonous.

Y/N launched herself forward, grabbing his metal hand with her flesh one and holding it. He stiffened at her touch but luckily didn't react towards her...violently. She had him stop and turn to face her.

"Look, I'm sorry, but please don't shut yourself out from everyone," She says, not even blinking, for fear to break his gaze and have him leave, "Just...I've got some stuff to deal with. Like you, maybe."

He didn't reply but only stared.

She continued, "Can we just talk? Not about HYDRA or the Soldat, not unless you want to, but can we just have a conversation?" She looked pleadingly at him.

Bucky shifted his stance, looking uncomfortable before finally nodding to her relief. She spun on her heels, dragging him behind her as she walked to a clearing where she knew were nestled picnic tables.

Once they arrived, she sat on one side and he sat on the other. She released her grip on his hand and placed her elbow on the top of the table, leaning her head against her upright hand, and looking at Bucky before putting her arm down and crossing her legs beneath the tabletop.

"So...what's your oldest memory?" She started, cringing almost instantly. Have some compassion, won't you? What kind of question is that to ask someone who has trouble remembering things? "Never mind..."

"I...I remember being at a fair." Came the reply, short and curt.

Y/N breathed in and then out, "Well...I remember being told of these stories about a brave girl when I was younger," She started, bringing her arms around her in an almost hug, "That this brave girl had hair like fire and a spirit just as strong. I was very young when this story was told, and the little girl was my hero and helped me through certain difficulties I faced when I was little." She cleared her throat, breaking eye contact with Bucky, staring down at the grass. She didn't need to say that the 'difficulties' were from the Red Room.

"How did you escape?" Bucky asked, and her head shot up at the sound of his voice, soft and curious.

"I ran until I couldn't see them any more..." She gave him a bittersweet smile, "I blended in very well with all the beggars and crowds back then."

He frowned for a moment and then his face cleared, a crack of a smile starting on his lips, "I had been at the fair with Steve, but he was small then."

Y/N leant forward in her place, "Was he?" She grinned at the change of conversation and attention.

"Yeah...we went on this ride," Bucky's eyes seemed to mist over as he got lost in thought and Y/N listened to him attentively, with interest and contentedness, "It was too much for him and he threw up." Humour danced in his eyes as he recounted the memory, "The Cyclone, I think."

"At Coney Island?" She smiled, "I think Steve told me about that...he was so annoyed at you for forcing him onto it..."

He let out a breathy laugh and Y/N could suddenly see the old version of Bucky in front of her, seeing the man Steve had known since childhood, from before HYDRA.

A/N *Sorry for being so slow on updating this story...I've been a little stuck on how to get to certain things I've been planning on happening in this story and I don't want to make the story drag so...oof...

Let me know who you want me to focus on a bit more on (characters, things, etc...) and let me know if you have any advice or feedback on the story as that would be greatly appreciated!!! (I'm on holiday and for some reason, I'm super mentally tired so my inspiration to write has disappeared which is super annoying) Anyways, I hope you have a lovely week!!! ❤️*