Glacial

Chapter 2

I laid on my bed. The first day of school passed quickly but not harmless. Kathrine's poisonous gazes and the little interest of Chris to have a conservation with me made the loneliness that I already was feeling become more real somehow. Nobody really liked me or wanted me to be around. Who knows why...? But it wasn't the acknowledgment of that,
that bothered me, neither my friendlessness, but the fact that I felt powerless. A word that made me, and still makes me, shattered at its sound. I was unimportant, small, constantly receiving indifference from everyone. And the worst part was that Kathrine was triumphant. She had everything I wanted: people who admired her, power, the glimpse of the winner in her eyes, friends, popularity... she was important. She knew it. She never missed a chance to brag about it, and I couldn't do anything to stop it or change it.
Yet...

I knew the solution.I had seen it, experienced it. But I didn't really believe in it or in me. It was just shiny what-ifs in my head. What if I was actually special? What if I could create fireballs? What if I was powerful? I smiled at that last thought.
I wanted it so badly and I would do anything to make it happen. After all, I felt I had something in me. I just didn't know what.

I stood up and raised my palms. I was looking at them, picturing what I wanted to see in them.
My teeth clenched, my body tensed up as if my pain would be the fuel of my fire. Anxiety filled me because nothing happened. Frustrated filled me because I didn't believe anything would happen.

But that's not how it works, isn't it? We can never force anything out of us, especially when wearing that mask of disbelief. Who was going to support me if I didn't think much of myself in the first place, choosing to ignore every little or big sign that I deserved it, that I could do it, that I would do it?

I sighed and let my muscles relax. Except for my eyes. I was fighting so hard to keep my tears in them, but I couldn't. I opened them and it felt like a huge stream of feelings came out of me as I let my tears fall.
Those refreshing waves of energy came back. My tears started to freeze and turn into small icicles on my cheeks. I raised my hands once again and closed my eyes. I let them come to me. Small, icy flames that didn't last long but fueled my effort to believe and fed that glutton monster inside me that was craving for power.
I smiled the most wicked smile as I was starting to figure out who I was.

But things only got worse.

From that day onwards, every afternoon I'd go to a dark alley near the foster home to practice. But I couldn't achieve anything other than small flames and cool energy waves. And it frustrated me and that frustration was piled up next to so many negative emotions inside of me.

I felt powerless. And I couldn't take that thought off my mind. Even with my cheek pressed against the cold metal of the locker, even when I got punched and thrown to the floor by those cool kids who just can't help themselves but find amusing playing with... with the weak ones, with those who can't defend themselves.  

I couldn't defend myself. As if that depression I had fallen into was acting as some sort of a roadblock to my powers that I felt less and less as each day passed. Could've it been the teasing, the bulling, the punches, or maybe seeing Chris disappear from my life and like her more. 

It was after school had ended that time. I was laid on the floor, three kids that I hadn't seen before standing above me, kicking me, yelling at me, laughing, having the time of their lives. I couldn't understand it back then, but that power they felt when they were hitting me is a great feeling. An addictive feeling.

By the time I understood that my lip was bleeding they had already left. I was still on that same spot on the floor when I saw her. Kathrine was there. She was watching me with a smile so small, her face was almost emotionless.  She threw me one last glance, with that gaze full of deception I hated and walked away. 

Her eyes were the only image in my mind as her words, every time she teased me, were echoing in my head. 

I smiled. 

I was beaten up, I was bleeding, every part of my body hurt, and the person I hated most had completely conquered my mind. But I was smiling. Because for the first time in a long time I felt something in me. 

Every day I was dying a little more inside. My vision turned grey. I felt nothing as if the depression was freezing me from inside out. And that was finally over.

I smiled because anger was filling me. Hatred was filing me. Suddenly every negative feeling inside of me was concentrated into one person. Her. 

I was laid down on the cold floor. My teeth clenched. My gaze fixed on the sky above me. Snowflakes dancing around me. Ice in my fists. I was finally cold again. One thought in my mind. I was gonna make her suffer. I was gonna make her suffer so much. 

You'll suffer. You will suffer darling, I thought and burst into laughter.