A Sinner's Complex

"Better to rule in hell, than to serve in heaven."

But I never thought I'd survive this long, I envisioned it in my mind but it was a completely different thing to experience it. I only dreamed about making it to Mother's Day and working at Hyatt but now the date approaches, it's more a reality than anything. I only dreamed about it, and now so many things approach as I blink, it blows my mind. But other things approach, relationships that I need to say good bye to, and things to cut off and drop out of my life for good. It is sad but inevitable. I will never have some people as I have them now, and I'm glad that I will finally have a chance to start my life anew and this time I will live on my own terms, and I will finally meet people who are like myself, growing and learning. I will finally feel like I'm not crazy and the friends I'll make, I hope will not be as ignorant as the friends I have now.

I feel like crying sometimes, but I have always told myself in my weakest moments, it is my choice but understand that I am in the midst of a war, where to be vulnerable is to be weak, and that there'll be a much better place than now when I win. So I ask myself again, is this the time to cry? And my answer is that I will not, I will grieve as much as I want when I win, for whatever losses I have suffered but as of now I am in a war and I will win.

Sometimes I think people don't understand what true ruthlessness is, I think it is a certain kind of ruthlessness to not care and cut down people or things in your path. But it's a different kind of ruthless to take what you love most and rip it away to sacrifice it in the hope of something better, quite literally betting your soul. The kind where what you love most, what you cherish, to rip it out of your chest in blood and gore, and offer it up to the altar and then continue to suffer that way for something you believe in. I think that's a kind of death, to suffer each and everyday for what you value more than yourself. It's ruthless. I wish I could say I could not imagine the kind of pain someone would put themselves through for something like that, but I'm beginning to realize that I'm that someone. It makes me laugh, and I can feel the hardness in my chest born out of such suffering. It's not nice, but it keeps me going through my weakest moments.

And I think about other kids. How if I had led a life similar to theirs would I have turned out better? It hurts to think about I've been deprived of, to understand just how much exactly I could've had but didn't. It aches to my bones, and I break little more each time. I wish for a lot of things but I've learned that all the money in this world couldn't heal me even if I wanted it too, it cannot buy me what I crave most. And that itself stings. It makes me think of Aipom, how he texted me and made me felt that way. It smarts, a little ache here and there, to be used and left in the dark as my mother had done with me.

It begs the question am I just a tool or am I a person? I wrestle with this and it often haunts me to my sleep and when I wake up the next morning. I wish I wasn't tortured by these thoughts but I am, and I cannot stop thinking about it even if I wish I didn't. It's jsut I wish with all my fucking heart that I didn't suffer the way I did but I did and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know how to rest. I just cry about it. Pain is inevitable but it is our choice on how we deal with it. I've learned that much. So what am I? A person or thing? But it brings questions to a lot of things I still don't how to articulate properly.

I am a monster. Some form of demon forced to bear mortal skin. That's what I feel inside, I don't know how else to feel. I guess that's why I make dirty jokes and enjoy dark humor, it feels like a duty to make sure I reflect what's inside. To make sure people are aware of what kind of demon they're dealing with, as if I had to make sure my mother's sins didn't go unnoticed. I guess I did a good job, because I'm the weirdest person to walk in each room I enter. Sometimes at night I feel something roving underneath my mind, a whisper of something I hold back. Maybe my inner beast because it sure sounds like it, asking to be let out and roam as it pleases. But it only lives to serve me so I have nothing to fear, except others and what I might do to them. And it asks me would it be so bad to be free and unleashed? It's like fire in my skin and it quietly stalks around the back of my mind. Like it has all the time in the world knowing that it'll be inevitably let out. Would it be so bad? To let it serve me, a part of me that I've always shied from and I've found that fear has only just delayed the inevitable.