A Sinner's Complex

"Better to rule in hell, than to serve in heaven."

The crown I wore the day I graduated. Haha. I love it.
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Sometimes I cannot sleep at night because of how much I'm consumed with the life I might lead and the fear I might never see it. It's May 8th and the last day for seniors is approaching, and everything I've been dreaming is on the horizon and my mother I think is starting to realizing the ticking of time, as she makes her moves I've already made mine. Still I cannot underestimate the pure power she wields over me because the law dictates so, all I can do is keep my head down so she has no reason to exercise it.

Another thing I keep thinking about is death, death at this moment is the furthest possibility and yet I act as if I'll see it in the next. It's strange, I wonder do the people who think about death as often as I do, will they be afraid when it shows itself to them? When there is violence and blood is laid bare on their hands, when silence is in mourning, will they be ready? People who don't think about death, will they be more afraid than those who do? I wonder if I'll flinch when death comes on swift wings, to those closest to me and will I tremble at the brush of it? And when it comes for me, will I remember the countless times I begged for its mercy, and in my mother's harshest moments, did death hear me call for hers?

I've realized that there are a lot of actions within my power, I am capable I realize and it's a startling realization. It's like a jolt of reality. But what do I do with power that I've just realized was always my own? I hate my mother for convincing me I had no independence, no strength and no freedom. That I believe was one of the most insidious things she's done to me. But no one taught me how to handle myself, I did. No one taught me what was right and wrong, I had to figure it out for myself. I was not taught I was self made. It was as I learned nurture and nature both have a hand in creating us as individuals. My nurture was not that great, it worked against me and my nature dictated I was smarter than those before me and it fell to me to learn how to break the cycle. I knew one day it would come to this and I would have choices to make, because changing is a continue process rather than all at once and it took me a while to learn that. And I do not miss being a child, I have more autonomy than I ever had in my life and I'll have it completely if I continue what I'm doing. I learned over a reflection of the year that it takes a certain ruthlessness to overtake what I have taken, what I did I came from nothing. My mother was unsupportive and my father, well let's just say he was his own kind of hell. I worked under him for $5 bucks an hour. It was shitty but convenient and I got a start with the money I needed. Soon I had enough to get myself a job at Hyatt, and in all honesty I didn't know what I was signing up for, all I knew in those moments was I needed a job to build my way out of this hell. It was enough for me to get off my ass. I got the job, I was pleasantly surprised but not as surprised as my parents were, they expected me to fail and it felt like they wanted me to fail.

It was a critical moment for me, to realize again those who said they had my back, in reality did not serve me with my best interest at heart. But I hit the ground running and no turning back, there was no preparation for me to know what was coming and I knew that all I could do was brace myself. Some people learn stuff with ease, and I think that's because their situation or environment allowed that. I was one those who learned things the hard way, if I could have it the easy way I would've booked for it but there wasn't any other way. When I made a mistake wolves were on my ass, I couldn't afford honest mistakes, I couldn't afford mistakes at all with how much my future was at stake. I was failing almost all my classes, my boss yelled at me almost everyday at work and I was in hell. I thought work was an escape. It was in terms of my mother and father, but my boss had her own kind of pain to whip out. I felt trapped, all the people I could possibly turn to for relief brushed me off, and when they had the audacity not to understand me but tell me what I should do, it made me seethe with a hatred of which I cannot give justice through words. And the pain of being isolated, with the world on my shoulders it almost too much to bear. No one would be there to catch me if I fell, and I knew it to the core. It was a cruelty I will never forget.