We can be gluttonous in love as we are with food. It is not coincidental that words used to describe the act of eating are readily interchangeable with those to describe love, or at least love-making, such as the verbs to devour, to eat, to lick and to suck. This is true of many languages, as diverse as English to the indigenous languages of the Amazonian basin, which would indicate this linguistic relationship between food and love is indicative of something more deep-rooted than merely a cultural influence.
However, as a society, we appear more tolerant to acts of gluttony when committed in the name of love. Why? Love is indeed a higher emotion, but perhaps not the overarching one of humanity. For that title I would like to give to hope. For is it not hope that drives our collective humanity? Do we not pass on hope to our children? I love a particular Native American saying:
We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children
I think this captures the essence of the human spirit.
Back to love. And obsessive love. A form of gluttony itself. After all, people are not to be possessed. We are not commodity. Yet we find ourselves wanting to own the other. Yes, there is a difference between infidelity and betrayal, for example, an act of infidelity would be most likely fatalistic to a young couple - rightly so one may argue - as they are still in the process of learning about and gaining trust in each other, whereas a more mature relationship, one founded on decency, trust and respect, could weather infidelity for where there is a strong foundation, one cannot compare a physical act with, say, the bond formed over years, especially where rearing children are involved. I do not want to undermine the importance and intimacy that can be achieved during love-making, but perhaps me sitting here, describing and sharing these thoughts, can be perceived as a greater act of intimacy than a chance encounter and - who in their right mind - would argue that people should not be talking to anyone other than their partner? As for betrayal, there are times when sleeping with someone else breaks that trust, for example, when the other is in a position of vulnerability (ill, pregnant and emotionally sensitive, to name but a few).
This leads on to jealousy. For me, this is indeed a negative trait, a sign that someone sees the other as their possession - never a healthy state of affairs and not a foundation for any strong relationship - but also a sign of insecurity. We are all fed - at least those of us grown up in a Western culture - the role men and women should play, where women are princesses, waiting to be rescued by their knight in shining armour, their prince charming. Perhaps a little crude to put it like that, but it is there, dormant at best, and a cancer at worst. For how can we, with our insecurities, in pursuit of happiness, place this burden on the other? That the other will be our source of security and happiness? Well, I for one, would not want to be under the weight of such great expectation and, the reality is, just that. The real person can never compete with the idea of the person.
Is it not egotistical, child-like, to demand so much from the other?
But we love and do fall in love. They say first love is the deepest and, for sure it is. Here, the young person, trying to seek independence from their parents, plants a seed in someone alien. Combine this with a cocktail of emotions and, well, one does not need reminding as to how we felt.
So why do we, as a society, place so much emphasis on our physicality? The roots can be found in early Christianity, where women were treated as slaves, as possession, such that the idea of chastity, of a virtuous life, would have had appeal. However, times have changed and I would like to consider any woman as an equal in my eyes, although the truth is, even in the 21st century, woman are still treated as objects.
I cannot fathom how many times lactating mothers are chastised for feeding their babies in public, and ironically how often the finger of blame is cast by women. We seem to struggle with the notion that the very thing we treat as sexual - the breasts - also serve another, latent function. This tells of a society at odds of the mother-woman and sexual-woman, a society where these roles cannot be housed in the one entity. Some men are put off love-making to their partners once they become mothers. This would suggest an idealised image of a woman is held. And all this before we consider the role of the whore-woman, the one men seek in their private life but want distanced from their public life. That is a separate essay in itself, and although there is not much to challenge when two consensual people want to engage in any sexual act where a financial transaction is involved, it seems as unlikely today as it did in antiquity that this could occur without the direct or indirect exploitation of someone in a vulnerable position.
So what of true love? Ah, true love. Well, permit me to provide an extract from my novel, The Hand That Feeds, which I think does more to explain the definition than I could in this essay:
For in Lila he found a strong sense of self that he saw in her the shelter he yearned. Strange, but not at all surprising, that the deepest roots we have are to be found in people and not places. And certainly not memories. For memories cannot support roots any more than a desperate sapling cannot be supported by land stripped of all its topsoil. Terra absentia. That is why love, first love, is so powerful for it not only breaks free from parental ties, but plants a seed in something alien. Terra nuova. But to Thanos and Lila, both of whom had come of age, this was definitely not first love. It had all the markings of true love instead; for through her he felt his senses awaken, enabling him to see and experience reality unadulterated and anew. Terra vera.
To see the world unadulterated and anew. This reminds me of a saying from Pythagoras:
Walk unfrequented paths
The essence of being human is to be curious, to see the world through the curious eyes of a child. That is why Alice [of Wonderland] was hardly Alice when she stopped being curious...
And who are we if we cannot be curious in a relationship? People change. People grow. We are shaped by our life experiences. So why do so many complain of their partner changing? Other than values, we should be prepared to see and embrace changes in opinions and our belief systems. Change for the worse, or growing apart, I can understand, but change in itself should not be seen as a bad thing - after all - is not the most beautiful relationship one where there is decency and respect for the other? One where a union between two people is formed (forged) over time?
On a final note, how should we behave in love? People talk of compromise. But is a good compromise not defined as an act where both parties are left unhappy? For me, it is all about empathy. Let me give you this example. I may not like doing some household chores, and if this was my only position, I would be compromising my position to do these. There would be a sense of equality - I did my half - but there would also be resentment - why am I doing something I do not enjoy? Now, let us look at this through empathetic eyes. My partner at present has a lot on her plate - she is studying her PhD and looks after the children - she is tired and I know nothing compares to looking after children. I empathise with her situation. I do the household chores, but this time there is no resentment. I am acting out of empathy. And how we empathise is an extension and perhaps a reflection or magnitude of intimacy we have with the other.
So, in essence, there is a fine balance to strike in a relationship. I do not think it is about compromise. I think it is about getting intimate with the other, but there still being a line, an ever so fine line - a gap - where the other has the complete freedom to be who they are. The other should be able to dance naked in front of the mirror, unashamedly, knowing that there is no casting eye. Perhaps this is what the poet, Tennyson, had in mind where in his ballad, The Lady of Shalott (see photo), could not look out directly at the world but only via the reflection in her mirror...
...like all things in life, a balance between vice and virtue needs to be struck. And it is along these lines we must walk to truly appreciate the beauty of life and love.
Now that is an idea of love to aspire to!
