Bullying | {MrBeast x Pewdiepie Fanfiction}

Chapter 4 - Sounding Heartbeats, Urination... Jimmy, Are You Okay?

I shuttered at the sound of Helix's name. Hearing it made my heart ache and called back to mind painful memories. "Dad, please," I pleaded. "Don't mention his name. You promised..."

Dad shook his head and sighed. "Jimmy, you have to talk about it sometime." He reached across the island, grabbed my hands and held them in his. "You've been bottling up all of your feelings about Helix's passing, and it's not healthy for you. You need to talk about it in order to heal."

I felt tears begin to well in my eyes. I pulled one of my hands from my father's and used my fist to rub the tears out of my eyes. "There's nothing to talk about." I lowered my gaze to the floor. "Helix is dead, and it's all my fault."

My father released my hands. The sound of the legs of his chair scraping against the marble floor pierced my eardrums. After a moment, I felt his presence next to me, and one of his giant hands found its way to my shoulder. "Jimmy, it wasn't your fault."

My efforts to hold back the tears were thwarted by the years of heavy emotional baggage I was carrying. The salty tears fell, staining my cheeks and making them glisten in the morning sunlight leaking through the kitchen window. "It is my fault. You can even ask Felix."

Dad wrapped his arms around me, locking me in a tight embrace. "He was his brother. Of course Felix is going to blame his brother's death on somebody to help him cope with his loss. It's a normal response to grief. It's important for you to know that it wasn't because of you. You didn't put Helix on those railroad tracks. You didn't tie him down to them."

I was sobbing uncontrollably by that time. "It was my fault! I might as well have tied the knot that sealed his fate! If I had just hung out with him that day like he wanted to, he would have never been taken and murdered!"

He released his grip on me and settled his hands on my shoulders, giving me a little shake. "He could have just as easily been kidnapped had he been with you, and you could have been taken too. We all live with regrets, Jimmy, regardless how irrational they may be. You can blame yourself for not spending time with him, but you can't blame yourself for the actions of others. Your decision had no bearing on the outcome of that day. Helix went on with his plans without you, which should tell you they were planning on doing that to him whether you were there or not. It was premeditated. I, for one, am glad you didn't go that day. I'm relieved that you're still here with me, just as any parent would be. Feeling guilty that someone else is gone while you escaped that fate and continue to live is normal and understandable. But you have to realize there's nothing wrong with feeling relieved that you're still here, and you can't blame yourself for taking yourself out of the situation."

So many different emotions came over me. The guilt I felt for Helix's death wasn't because he wasn't there anymore to live life, but rather because of the selfish wish that it had been me instead. I felt that way because my life didn't seem to be worth living, and Helix had so much to live for and made life a little better for me. But without him, there hardly was me. He was the best friend I ever had aside from Chris. 

"Thanks, Dad," I choked out in a whisper. I wasn't really thankful for his words that should have been comforting. I only wanted him to stop talking about it, and I didn't want to tell him how I truly felt about the whole ordeal. 

He kissed the top of my head. "You're welcome, buddy. And I'm ready to listen any time you need to talk." He returned to his chair on the other side of the island and continued reading his newspaper. 

Our gut-wrenching, heartstrings-tugging conversation made me momentarily forget I had to pee like a Russian race horse until Kayla tumbled down the stairs, making a ruckus. She rolled over to my father, only stopping once her balled up body hit his loafer and bounced off. She unrolled herself and levitated in the air. "Father, I command you to retrieve me a glass of lemonade," she commanded.