The Way We Were [Short Story]

4: Me

4: Me

When Zharm threw a fit and got mad at me a couple of years ago, I spent 2 nights straight trying to understand why. A couple of years later, did I only understand why. She had told me to keep an eye on DJ and I did but things happened and I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. I was told to never fight over a boy, especially a boy, so I didn't say anything. I let her rant and get mad at me, making her look like a bad person. But she isn't. She is such a good person and I was at fault in that situation. I never understood why she had such a hard time letting it go. After all, she is so lovely and kind-hearted and it's impossible not to like her. Then came the time when it all became too much. The fans were getting in the way trying to protect me but they were actually making it worse. They couldn't just let me deal with it, could they? I felt every ounce of guilt with all the hate Zharm was getting and I couldn't do anything. DJ fought for me so hard, I felt like a princess and I knew keeping him in my life was one of the best decisions I made. So, I didn't bother. I didn't resolve my issue with Zharm. I never thought about it. Anyways, she'll get over it. And DJ and I got together, hoping for a happily ever after.

I was thinking about this as I sat down on a deck chair. I was alone. It was 1:30am and everyone was inside, probably sleeping. I snuck out of my room to sit out here and think. It's amazing how my workmates didn't even feel jet-lagged unlike me. I sighed, taking a sip of the drink that I just ordered 2 minutes ago.

Robi came out of nowhere and sat beside me. This boy is like the brother I never had. He was such a ball of sunshine. He's always smiling and he seems to bring everyone in a good mood.

"How are you?" He asked. He didn't sound witty or like he was trying to be funny or he was trying to lighten the mood. He sounded genuinely concerned. I looked at him and shrugged.

"I don't know. I'm okay, guess. How are you?"

He pursed his lips together then sighed.

"I take that you and DJ are not okay?" He asked again.

"No, we're okay."

He nodded. He seemed to understand my vague answers and it was comforting to find someone to talk to that you don't have to explain everything to them.

"DJ said he's trying the best he can to change and that he said sorry."

I let out a bitter chuckle and shook my head.

"But I don't want change and yes he said sorry, but he never let me say anything. What if I didn't forgive him?"

Robi looked at me. "Have you?"

I sighed and leaned back on the deck chair.

"I don't know. I look at him and I remember everything. And I hear people tell me every single day that I'm so lucky to find something as good as what we have and I just want to punch their faces. Because I know they're wrong."

"But you guys are special." Robi countered.

"No, we're not. I used to think that way too but now..."

"Now, what? Maybe it's going to get better because he's changing."

"It's too good to be true."

Robi must have thought about what I said. He had his legs and arms crossed and he looked straight at the pool.

"Every time I see him, I think, 'Is he thinking about someone?' or when he's texting I'd be like 'Is he texting another girl for the wrong reasons again?' Or when he goes out with his friends, I think 'Is he telling them about some other girl again?' There are so many thoughts in my head and I-- I...."

He must have thought I was going to cry. He looked at me abruptly and touched my hand before relaxing again. A few moments later, he sat up and faced me, waiting for me to continue.

"I just, I want to fold up and stop. I don't want to think anymore."

"Then why are you still here?" He asked referring to the relationship.

I looked at him and right then and there I understood Zharm. All her rants and pain and her anger. I understood why even though it's been so long (then) she couldn't let go. And I wanted to call her and say that I'm sorry for hurting her that way and I didn't mean to, but it's too late.

"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."

I understand everything now. Perhaps not the part why DJ did it. But why we do stupid things. I mean, we can't be in love if we're not willing to do stupid things right? I understand why I'm still with DJ and why I'm trying to brush off what he did but I wish I didn't because now, all I can think about is what, why and why and why.

It just won't stop.