Disquietude

Letters To You.

To the white wolf I call Alpha:

I'm in love with you and you need to know that. Leave if you want to but I always knew our fate was doomed. However angry or upset I may be, I knew it was never meant to be this way. I've tried so hard to find someone else, to move my emotions from you to someone else, and it just won't work. They're not you. Not even close. I looked for similarities in character, in mindset, in knowledge. Nothing can compare to you, and no one can compare to you. I've composed this paragraph several times now for weeks.

I've asked for help, for guidance. I don't think it's supposed to feel like this. The only time I can even feel normal is when I'm with you. Without you I am empty, a shell of a being. I do my best to erase you from my mind so I can focus on things other than you and your smile. I lack the ability. It's my fault for even thinking I could be with someone like you. How silly of me, really, to have imagined such a life as this; even on the moment I set eyes on you I knew I was doomed. 

You once asked me why I chose you. Out of all the people, I chose YOU. In reality you've explained to me that you chose me from the moment things came into play. I chose you because you looked at me and I KNEW. On a biblical standpoint god makes a man and a woman to be two halves to one whole, and several people I've spoken to recently say that there's an instinctual feeling of having met your half. I'd say my better half. Having said this, my childish mindset wants to say you're my other half that was created specifically for me, but my logical mindset knows it not to be true. 

I want to believe I have a future with you, yet I know this to be a futile hope. You've always been dead-set on not being with me and I genuinely believe that a future is not what you're giving me. Purpose, maybe, but not a future. I can fully say that, though I love you very deeply and wish to fulfill my darkest desires with you, I understand the reasons why that can never be. Above all, I want to be truly yours. And yet, I know this to be just a dream, a blissful dream of joy and love, all fading away as quickly as it came. 

One day I will let you go. 

But that is not today. Or tomorrow. Or the next. Perhaps in the next lifetime I will meet you once again, and am able to fulfill my desires. 

Desideratum, you are everything. And for the rest of my life, you will continue to be so.

Grey, signing out.

~*Persæus*~