CHAPTER 20

BOND

It's crazy how I started out as a child wanting to always see my birth mother and wanting to live with her but know it's like I don't wanna even be bothered with her.When I officially moved back in with her everything was great because she had stopped using drugs for a period of time because she was working at five guys.Sometimes after school I would go to her job and get free food .While I was staying with her in the beginning things were good but once she started back doing drugs again it got out of control to the point where she couldn't control her home which made the living situation unstable.Every time she would get high I would cry because it made me so sad to see her like that as a child.I used to get happy when she would go to a program to get help but that was always a let down to me because she would come back from the program and do the Same Thing so I stop getting so excited when she would go.

As I got older I started to build this wall between me and her because of the things I had to go through with living with her.Her sister would often try to help her and try manipulate the situation because the family is very money hungry.Some people say blood is thicker than water but all blood ain't good .She has been dealing with this drug problem forever now it feels like this is her normal lifestyle just like waking up and brushing your teeth in the morning.I used to think she was doing drugs on purpose to hurt my feelings but I later learned about drug addiction I wasn't fully educated on drugs as child.As a child when I did see my mother looking back I saw her as a pets who just bought me stuff to make me happy because that usually what she always tried to do.To me materialistic stuff could never replace pain and hurt because it's a feeling not a thing.dealing with this pain because I don't know how to process pain at the time without having tantrums when I was with her she had hurt my feelings based on her actions alone.

Then trying to force me to like my sperm donor because she thought every son is supposed to like their dad  that was just crazy to me.We never had a full talk about when she found out I had a Boyfriend but look tbh I didn't care what she thought because I was in the rebellious phase of doing what I wanted to do no matter what she thought. When I went to IDEA high school that's when I started to calm down and focus on more positive things because that's what helped deal with living in those circumstances. So while I was in  this high school she had started using another drug and I got mad at her again because I felt like everything she was starting to do was stupid and lacked common sense .Her drug problem got so bad to the point where she was incapable of controlling her house and almost like she didn't care about anything at all.She let's people manipulate her and used her because that's what drugs can do to a person they lose mental control of themselves and it had a negative impact on our relationship to the point where we don't know how to communicate with each other without their being conflict. Sometimes where I live I'm often quiet because when I express my feelings about something I disagree with people say I am being rude and disrespectful but whatever.

She even put me out over something that wasn't even about her and that I will never forget because it was raining so hard that night but nevertheless I came back.I remember one time she got drugs on credit and when it was time for her to pay she was not home but I was in the house scared for my life because they were banging on the door looking for her. The recent experiences I have had with living her has led to me not even wanting to help contribute to the house anymore because I refuse to buy stuff for the house and she gives her bank card to her drug dealer so he can use it as payment.She doesn't contribute so why should I like I'm not going to doing everything.

The Frustration that I have with living there is crazy to the point where everything she does annoys me because I don't wanna live with her Tbh I am just completely over the whole thing.I am not here to tell her story but I here to share how parts of her story has affected my life.I still love her but sometimes I just need a break from the shenanigans as a whole.The family doesn't make it any better because we're used to not agreeing with each other it's just a mess.For people who know me I don't like to be forced to get along with someone is it one of my pet-peeves it drives me crazy.

Not saying I don't have people in my family I like because I have those people I am close with and we bond but the reality is we can't just keep sweeping things under the rug because that's what it seems like to me and that is toxic.The people I considered my family are my friends and some of my relatives because these are the people that I can 1000% trust with information about me and I can count of them to not be judgmental towards me.Theres a family member who I don't interact with at all because of how their character is towards certain people and surprisingly me an them were very close at one point but I wasn't gonna be treated like that.Family is not supposed to turn there back on you when you need help because everyone in life needs some help with something nobody's perfect but It's starts with you.Society tries to use social media as a way to convince other people that they living lavish but in reality that person could be going through some fucked up shit but we have to grow from that and now that it doesn't last forever.

My birth mom and My mother are two different people and unfortunately the person who I considered to be my Mother passed away like I talked about in my previous chapter but I'm trying to want to have a good relationship with my Birth mother but it is very hard to do and  most times Being honest I don't try to communicate with her because She annoys me a lot and that's being honest.My room is where I find peace because I lock my door and be in my own space of consciousness.You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and me trying to help literally her doesn't work because she doesn't want it so I stopped trying and caring about it now she just does what she wants and I do what I want because in my household there is no teamwork.We all don't come together collectively to support the house and I'm not responsible to do everything by myself so that's why I get so frustrated at home.

I get so annoyed when I have to go back home from work because I'm not happy where I live I hate it I would never wish that type of living on anyone ,to not even be comfortable in your on house is frightening and tbh sometimes I regret moving in with her If  I knew I was gonna have to Endure this Level of carelessness I would stayed were I was and been ok.I don't know what to do anymore But keep The faith alive because I need faith for my soul .As Any human I am entitled to disagree with anyone or anything and I don't agree with a lot of stuff that goes on around me and People may not agree with me or my Choices It works both ways.At the end of the day we all human and just because you have a title doesn't give anyone to disrespect another person it's just wrong.People literally use the "I'm Family card" for convenience and this world enjoys a good convenience because for example your cousin can steal some money from you and when you ask them why they take it they say "I'm you cousin and I needed it it's not that serious we family " huh? That doesn't make any sense.we all need to realize that just because that's your family doesn't exempt them from doing bad things to you because a lot of people believe that family could never abandon you and that's not quite true.My definition of a family is a group of people that only want the best for each other with good intentions behind what that say to you and will support you throughout any thing you go through.(PUBLIC DISCLAIMER: THE FEELINGS , EMOTIONS AND VIEWS DISPLAYED IN THIS CHAPTER BY TAI MAY CHANGE AT ANY MOMENT IN TAI'S LIFE THANK YOU.)