5 Seconds Of Summer Smut

Not a chapter but I need to do this

Hey guys. I just wanted to let you know I am doing better. I'm on medication, it is working and I am getting better. I have even started exercising and just all in general doing things better for myself. I'm not going to lie. I was not okay. I have known that for years and would not admit especially to myself. I normally would not be doing this but I have noticed lately that a lot more people have been reading this story and I feel its important if I do. I am going on 20 years old and I am just now getting the help I need. I should have gotten it sooner and there's younger people who do. I would not talk to anyone about what was going on. I shut people out, I did reckless things, things I'm ashamed of, and things that will never go away. I use to severely cut. It started when I was 12. At first when I heard of cutting I thought it was stupid. I didn't understand why someone would do that...that was until I started. But at first I told myself this was one time thing. It would never happen again. But it did. It went from rarely happening to almost a daily thing. I was bullied, at home and at school. I was abused and I was raped. I was not okay. Plus on top of that I was bipolar and depressed. I have bipolar 1, anxiety, depression, and board line schizophrenic. I did not want to share any of this but there is other people struggling. Not just with what I have but with their own things too. I would drink, some weed just for it all to go away. I would do things that I would later regret. I was not dealing at all. Cutting was not a way to deal. It is not a way to deal. I know how it makes you feel, no matter what your reason it. I am permanently stuck with scars on my thighs that will never go away. I wish I could take them back. I really do. I wish I would have just let people in and let them help me. I tried to kill myself 3 times before I got help. The last time.....I almost succeeded. My heart stopped 3 times on the way to the Hospital. They had to pump my stomach and I was out for two days. The first thing I saw when I woke up was my mother in tears. I thought I was doing everyone a favor. I thought I was doing myself one. But I was soooooo wrong. I never want to see my mother the way she was in that Hospital. People care, whether you think they do or not. They do. You have people who love you. I put my mother through hell growing up and I regret it. She is now dying. And lately all I can think about is all the times I yelled at her instead of talking. All the times I was a shitty daughter. But no matter what. I love her and she loves me. She is my best friend and I am hers. She's the only family I have. Love the ones who is close to you. Let them in, let them help, and enjoy your time with them. I am also here for you because I know what it is like. I remember being 12 and a girl from my school would constantly bully me. At first I told myself "I don't care." Because it was me or my cousin who was like nothing but a sister to me. The girl who was bullying me lived across the street from me. I couldn't even go outside of my own house with her doing something. I remember one day I went to check the mail and the whole time her and her little sister were screaming "Hey fat cow! Yo fat cow! Why don't you go back to McDonald's and have another double cheeseburger! Have two!" They shouted that same thing the whole time till I ran back to my house. I broke down that night. I remember saying I wanted to beat the shit out of them but my mom held me back. And I'm glad she did but it would have not done any good. Violence does not solve anything. My father was abusive to me and my family our whole lives growing up. He would hit my mom, he would throw things at us, and once he tried to kill us. I left when I was 17 and the only reason I went back was to see my mom but I never lived there again. I made it clear to him that I was NOT going to take his shit anymore or let him hurt her. He stopped putting his hands on her but is still mean with his words and still throws things. I was adopted at 6 months, because my birth mother couldn't handle me and my birth father never wanted anything to do with me. He still says I'm not his. But if you looked at the both of us you could tell that was a lie. I am clearly mixed and I am clearly his child because I look exactly like him. I am half Korean and half Latina. The Latina comes from his side. My whole life I was told how stupid I was, worthless, nothing. And you know what I did in the long run? I proved them wrong. I didn't do it for them though. I did it for myself. I graduated high school a year early, and got accepted into college. I got a job, and I got my own place. I did it all on my own. And I know you guys can too. I tried to make this short as possible but I want you all to know who might be struggling with something that you're not alone. I am here for you. My DM's is open for anyone. If you want you can just consider me as your big sister who WILL listen and WILL help you in any way possible. I am here for you and you ARE NOT alone. All I ask is please think before making a decision you won't be able to take back. Please don't do anything reckless that will permanently change your life. Be safe. Please.