Sissy Boy

•30•

"Ry?" I mumbled and he shut his eyes, taking a deep breath before driving away.

"Ryder are y-" he interrupted.

"You guys had sex?" He monotoned.

"No" I replied and he sighed but still kept an emotionless face.

The rest of the drive was silent. No words were exchanged even as we headed up to our room.

Before I got in the shower, I watched him from the corner of my eyes. He laid on his bed, his breaths were light and his hair was extra messy.

..........

Dinner time came and the table consisted of awkward tension between Ryder and I. The only sounds to be heard were the clanking of the spoons and plates.

"Ryder you haven't said a single word to me since" I blurted out of frustration as we closed our bedroom door for the night.

He sighed, ignoring me. He then got in his bed and covered himself up with the sheets. I huffed loudly.

I walked over to his side, taking a seat carefully on the edge. I looked down at him, nibbling down on my lower lip nervously. I leaned over hesistantly noticing his eyes still open.

"Ryder" my hand reached in, laying upon his upper arm and suddenly, he flinched.

Instinctively, I quickly pulled my hand back. My eyes widening at the sight.

"Ryder" I gasped out.

RYDER

"I want to g-give my all to you and I just-I only hope that that's enough proof for you" I heard him voice out and then almost immediately, my heart shattered in my chest.

I couldn't believe my ears. After all we shared, after all he said to me. He still chooses Jason over me. He wants to go all the way with him.

My body was tensing up but not for anger, rather sadness. I rushed back to our bedroom, shutting the door and locking it afterwards behind me.

I couldn't stand it. He still resorts to such after making me feel like he actually feels the same.

As I wallowed in my own sad frustrations, my fingers longed for an old craving. I immediately let them tug on my already haggard hair.

As I withdrew my fingers, I let them aggressively pull. This wasn't the craving my fingers needed and I knew it.

I immediately wrapped my hands around myself, trying to neutralize my obsessions. I let them dig into my skin painfully, driving them even deeper.

As I felt the crimson liquid slowly drip down my upper arms, I shut my eyes, getting high over to the feeling. This wasn't a smoke but it'd suffice. I then began moving my hands up and down, deepening and extending the wounds.

"No!" I immediately snapped myself out of it, snatching my own arms away and letting them stick to my sides as I hoisted myself up and walked towards my bathroom.

As I opened the Medicine cabinet, I pulled out a couple of supplies and began cleaning up the gushing liquids of red.

As soon as the bleeding stopped, I saw no need to clean it any further or even cover it up. As I was about to close the cabinet, I noticed the rubbish lighter I had used a couple of months earlier.

You promised him

"I broke that promise a long time ago"

I needed it. I sighed out, my body aching for it. I grabbed the little item, taking it with me as I left the bathroom.

I proceeded to put on a shirt and boxers before approaching my nightstand and pulling out a drawer. My eyes were hooded with my cravings as I unshakingly took out the pack.

I sighed as I opened the little box of cigarettes. I took out a single paper roll, tossing the pack lazily aside afterwards.

Lighting up the tip, I put the opposite end in my mouth. As soon as I sucked, thoughts of Aleister flashed through my mind. My teeth clenched together as I let the smoke travel down and into my lungs.

My chest burned like a bitch as I finally let out a single puff. I took out the paper, cradling it between my middle and pointer finger.

My hazel brown eyes darkened as I felt my inner demons feed off my pain and deepened woes. Seconds passed and the process was repeated.

Over and over, I let the fumes fill up my lungs, causing burns but I didn't really care at the moment. I was almost done with the stick when my phone lit up from my night stand.

My limbs were numb but I managed to pick up the device anyway. I looked down at the screen, a text from Aleister.

I read out the message, blankly staring down at it. Jason's house, I chuckled bitterly.

"On my way" I said out as I texted.