GRAVE TALKS | JJK

i

december thirtieth.

"so—?" jin asked as he walked in, he was carrying a few plastic bags of snacks, way more than he could eat. more than both he and jungkook could eat, if jungkook decided to eat at all. "how'd it go yesterday?"

"did you know about the therapist?" jungkook asked, squinting at the pink-haired man. jin faltered and set the bags down on the small table in the corner. his posture was awkward and he wouldn't meet jungkook's gaze. "oh my god, you knew?"

"kookie, look—"

"no, this is ridiculous, jin hyung! i keep telling you i'm fine! why won't you believe me?" jungkook exclaimed, sitting up in the hospital bed. he winced as the IV in his arm shifted.

"because we all know you're not actually fine, jungkook! i know you well enough to know that you're lying out of your ass! not eating, faking smiles? yeah, i noticed. and i know that you know you're not fine, either." seokjin scolded, gently walking over to jungkook and pushing him back against the pillows. jungkook's jaw pulsed in frustration and he said nothing. nothing he could say could translate into words how he felt. "and i know you're pissed at me, and you're going to be even more pissed at me in about two minutes, but i'm willing to work with that if it means making you feel better. i'd rather you hate me than hate yourself."

jungkook wanted to cry. he was internally kicking himself, shouting at himself, jumping up and down in exasperation. why couldn't he say anything? why couldn't he admit that he wasn't okay? it was something that he knew, and clearly jin knew, too. he wanted to tell his friend so many things. he wanted to thank him, tell him he loved him, tell him everything that he had been through in the past months, but the words wouldn't come out.

it was like every time he tried to speak, his lips were glued shut. his brain would stop working. some imaginary force would reach into his throat and squeeze his vocal chords so nothing would come out. his mind wouldn't cooperate with his mouth, and he felt more trapped in his own skin than he had ever felt.

"why would i be even more pissed at you?" jungkook asked, that being the only thing he could manage to say. he looked up at jin's guilty face, and dread built in the pit of his stomach. seokjin opened his mouth to respond, but someone beat him to it.

"hi."

standing meekly in the doorway were the people jungkook least wanted or expected to see. it suddenly all made sense. the extra snacks, jin's prediction that jungkook would be angrier with him. taehyung, namjoon, jimin, yoongi, and hoseok cautiously walked into the room, eyeing jungkook carefully. jungkook was at a loss for words.

"don't freak out." taehyung said. the sight of his best friend in a hospital bed made the boy's heart break. jungkook was speechless. "we made him tell us. we knew he wasn't actually going to the grocery store for four hours a day."

"we're here for you, kookie." jimin said, looking down at the boy he practically raised along with the others. jungkook's parents had never supported his dreams of being an idol, so jungkook had joined bts behind their backs. there he met his hyungs, and they became like big brothers to him. they took him in when his parents wouldn't and taught him everything he needed to know since he was fifteen. the seven boys talked about everything, from family to music to girls. the older men remembered when jungkook came home from the grocery store raving about the girl he met in the toilet paper aisle. raving about nara.

"exactly. we're here for you." seokjin said when jungkook stayed silent. he picked up the bags of snacks and passed them around. when he held a bag out to jungkook, the boy didn't moved to take it. his fingers stayed fiddling with the bandage covering his wrists. "so you're going to suck it up, eat some junk food, and tell us everything." dense silence filled the stuffy hospital room. jungkook stared at his friends, his family. they stared back at him.

hesitantly, jungkook moved a trembling hand towards jin and took the bag of chips from his hand. the others let out the breath they didn't know they were holding. jungkook took a deep breath, trying to banish the stupid guilt and fear and hate from his brain. and he began.

"first, i went to the cemetery and tried to kill myself."