Play Me | BXB

ten

Elliot
(sensitive content!)

  My house was like a good 20 minute walk but at the moment, that was exactly what I needed.

It's been like a few days since Damian started to talk to me. A few days! And I am so crazy about him!

I never would have thought that I'll have feelings for someone this soon. I promised myself to not to.

Once I got out of school, I started to run. Mostly because I was afraid that Damian would follow me and mostly because I really wanted for him to follow me and say how big of an idiot he is.

But I understand that it's not my decision and I can't push him into anything, into feeling anything, so it is totally up to him now. I am just mad at myself for being this attracted to him already to the point where it really hurts now. I promised myself to not get hurt again. Seems like I'm breaking all of my promises because of him.

I've never met anyone like him. He just blows my mind every time!

While running like crazy, I started to think about his body next to me, about his sweet mint bubblegum, about his hot breath all over my neck. I've never wanted for someone to touch me this bad but now I wanted Damian's hands all over me. The thought of him touching me, kissing me, seeing all of me scared the shit out of me. I know I wasn't ready to have that, and honestly I don't know if I'll ever be ready to have that again.

Last summer someone raped me.

I had to stop running, I put hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. I was breathing heavy from running, but mostly from finally saying that out loud. I haven't told anyone, not even my parents, not even myself. Until now.

Before noticing, tears had been starting to run down my cheeks.

He was my first real boyfriend. My first real hand touching with a boy, my first real kiss and also my first time having sex with a boy. He made that decision for both of us.

We had been dating for almost a year when it happened. I was really well aware that he is getting bored of me, because all that I was okay with was kissing and touching each other, sometimes we gave each other blowjobs but that's about it. Being with a boy back then was really new to me. Yes, even after a year of being in a relationship with him. I just didn't feel like I was ready, I didn't feel like I wanted to do it with him, honestly I had no idea why I was even with him at that point. He was being really aggressive about his intentions, so I actually went to his house that night to end things with him. Turned out, his parents were out of town and he made me go upstairs to his room to talk about it. Once he pushed me onto his bed, I already knew what is going to happen. I could see it in his eyes. There was nothing else than just an angry need to fuck.

He was taller and stronger than me. Much stronger. He held me pinned down the whole time. I couldn't scream or move actually. I was terrified and crying.

I spent the rest of my summer in my room, playing video games and barely talking to my family, saying that they have nothing to worry about because whatever is happening to me will pass.

He made me ashamed from liking boys, he made me ashamed of myself, of my body, my actions, my thoughts. Funny thing, I deleted all of my gay dating apps from my phone. That summer I even watched straight people porn. I thought that by forcing myself into liking girls, I'll feel okay again. I thought that I won't have to be ashamed of myself.

At the end of summer, I met this really sweet girl Angelica in the mall. She really was one of the nicest people I've met. We connected really fast actually, we had lots of things in common, but she was my friend, however I saw that she didn't think of me as a friend at all. So I started with my super plan of making myself straight and okay again.

I ended up by humiliating her and myself. I hurt her many times before I told her that I'm not into girls. So in the end, I was even more ashamed of myself than before.

School started and I noticed Damian. He had a very loud and fun looking friend group, so it wasn't hard to notice them. But he stood out! It was like, I could see him and only him in a cafeteria with hundreds of people there.

That's when I ended my super plan.

But the shame, guilt and pain is still here. Some days stronger than other days. It is still here.

So maybe this is a good thing. Maybe Damian needs to stick with fucking girls at parties. I know that I can't really give him anything, so it's better if I don't have him around me. For both of us.