[A/N: Lyrics will be in italic, like completely. SONG LYRIC(S) USED FROM: Live While We're Young - 1D.]
--
I realised a long time ago, around 13, that the people who smile and laugh the most are usually the ones who are suffering the most.
Because laughter isn't only the best medicine - it's also the best disguise.
I should know, of all people.
--
I stared into the darkness. 4:18am. I couldn't sleep. My mind wouldn't let me. It would wander off, thinking about the night before.
Thinking about him.
It was a house party for close friends of Lily, my best friend. She invited her cousin - Ronan. I didn't know he'd be keeping me awake the next morning. I didn't know I'd fall for him. I've never felt like this before - this constant need for someone to just be with me. To talk to me. Or just to acknowledge me. I guess I was in love.
Before I met Ronan, I guess I was depressed. It wasn't major - I got through it.
"Good things come to those who wait." It's what my Nan always told me.
I've waited, but things didn't get better. My life was filled with constant bullying, people just putting me down. So I reduced to cutting.
Now things are better, I can stop.
If only it was that easy.
But it was perfect - the night - in the most romantic setting, in my opinion. Curling up on the sofa together watching a movie with the others, but curling up as though we were a couple. We laughed most of the way through the movie too. But we'd only just met.
I know we only met but lets pretend it's love.
That's how it felt.
I couldn't even explain it to Lily though - that I fancied her cousin. She'd laugh in my face and probably tell him. She did it before we were friends, so I know.
I turned on the radio to try and fall back asleep, but to no avail. I think I drifted off around 5 anyway, because I glanced back at the clock and it read 7:31am. So I got up and went for a quick shower before school.
I liked to cry in the shower; no one could see my tears.
But this morning I couldn't. I didn't have a reason to cry.
It was just Ronan in my mind.
His eyes - that lovely shade of a brilliant baby blue.
His hair - the caramel colour that made my knees weak.
He was going to make me late for school, all these thoughts of him.
I arrive late for school, as I suspected I would.
"Chloe! Please explain why you are late instead of just walking in!" Mrs Whelan growled, her eyes narrowed at me. I give an awkward grin.
"Slept in." I lied simply, just leaving it at that and walking to my seat. I heard a sigh from her but I ignored it.
"Liar." I heard a whisper from beside me. It was Lily.
"She doesn't know that," I wink and sit down, laying my racing-green SuperDry bag beside my side of the double desk.
"So why are you late?" Lily paused. "The real reason, please."
I smirk. "I couldn't sleep. And I guess I kinda fell asleep in the shower." I rub my hands together and my sleeves accidentally fall. I quickly pull them back up so no one could see my secrets. The cutting marks. The scars. Lily grinned but her face fell as she saw my wrists.
"Chloe.. What have you done..?"
She didn't bother to whisper this time, her voice clear over the teacher's. Everyone turned to look. My face flushed an unnatural rosy red.
"Is there a problem, Lily? Chloe?" Mrs Whelan raised an eyebrow.
"Yes-" Lily started, but I quickly cut her off. I knew I was too late though.
"No. There's not." I growl, my face turning a cherry red.
"Yes, there is." Lily insists.
"Girls step outside please." Mrs Whelan says in a casual tone and me and Lily pick up our bags and wait outside the room.
"Please, Lily, don't." I say between slow breaths, tears brimming my eyes.
"Why? I mean, why do you do it? Why haven't you told me?!" She demanded, tears also threatening to spill for her.
"I," I start, but my voice fails me. My vision went blurry and I just couldn't explain right now. I just couldn't. This wasn't how she was meant to find out. She wasn't meant to find out at all.
"Well?" Lily waits a few seconds but I can't speak, my emotions just too strong. I know I'm losing her, and I just can't take it. Tears spill and before I know it I'm crying uncontrollably. "And I thought I trusted you, Chloe, I really did. But everyone makes mistakes."
Everyone makes mistakes. That's what this is - a mistake. Why didn't she understand?
"Lily, please, just.." I manage just before Mrs Whelan comes out. I was so screwed. I couldn't even explain to anyone. Lily was going to tell her everything she saw. I'd be forced to show my arms. My parents would be called. I'd get help.
Maybe I didn't want help?
I was fine with how things were.
