this world will break your heart

Part 2: The Hersteller - Chapter 15

I can hear it like a dream at first. I think I'm going crazy. In the silence of the barracks, beyond the snoring and the sleep talking, these small voices don't seem to come from anywhere. They are different than the voices of real people: shrill and deliberate. Too emotional, polished but also heightened. At first, I wonder if I've lapsed into a dream conversation. Like I'm picking up frequencies from someone else's mental radio. I lie on my bunk trying to make out the sounds. He apologizes. She doesn't care. He had slept with her sister. She had a baby. He swears it isn't his. She emphatically knows it is. A third voice tries to mediate and calm her down. A pronouncement: you are NOT the father. More cheers.

What the fuck is this?

I stand up and follow the sound out of the barracks. I keep walking and stop at the door where I hear the disagreement coming from. A bed, Finn's bed, but he's not sleeping. Instead, he's hiding under a sheet, like a ghost who swallowed a lamp. The color changes and my shadow disrupts the deception. I put my hand on the shape that sheepishly uncovered his head.

"I just...I like TV."

His face is red and he's caught. "You didn't drink the wine, did you?" he questions.

"Yes...but I woke up." I try to make a joke out of it but he doesn't respond. The wine, which has replaced the pills, is much more potent. It doesn't affect me because my tolerance for chemicals is so high. Or it might be my heart. Either way, I've been pretending to sleep through the night more often than actually sleeping. I can hear Finn and Nellie walking the aisles, checking for deep breathing. I have learned to modulate my breath; inhale for six and exhale for ten.

He looks at me. "We'll have to try something stronger."

He doesn't even apologize. Has he been drugging us every night, during our bedtime ritual, so he could indulge in some classic television? Is this just one of many secret after-hours transgressions that happens as we all give into sleeping? Who else is awake?

"You have no idea how long I've been living without technology here." Because I don't stop him, he keeps talking. Confessing to me all of the obvious guilt for his double-life and indiscretions. "I just need a break every once in a while. And all of you look at me like I'm the poster boy for the 1870s. But you know I have high scores all over town on Death War machines. That's right. I like to play video games. And I'm really good at it. Do you know how hard it is to get high scores when you don't play every day? Do you?"

"Really hard?"

"Yeah, really fucking hard."

I take a step back. "Look, I'm not going to say anything. Your secret...secrets...are safe with me. There's just one thing."

"Are you going to blackmail me?"

"Of course I am. I've got enough on you to do some serious blackmail."

"What do you want?"

"No idea...but I'll let you know. Enjoy your TV show."