The Fourth Baudelaire

THE ERSATZ ELEVATOR

One more time the Baudelaires have found themselves in Mr Poe's car on their way to a new guardian, each time hoping that it would be tree than the last one or that they'll last longer than the last ones, but as you and I already know that's not how the story goes, instead this tale is all sorrows and woes and for more that you hope that justice will win the day, that's just not how the story goes.
In this very moment the Baudelaires are filling anxious, you may think "aren't they nervous? After all is the same thing. Right?" But, I'll tell you that there's a difference between nervous and anxious, for example, if you have an important exam that will most likely determine your future you'll may feel nervous of failing it, but if you're sitting in a car waiting to go meet new people you've never heard about, someone evil always follows you everywhere you go and that very same person kidnapped your only friends that were the only ones that in a long time made you feel at home and in peace, then you will be anxious; if you've been following the story of the four Baudelaire orphans then as I say before you'll know they are anxious.
"Children, I know you must be very nervous about meeting your new guardians." Mr Poe said trying to make the Baudelaires feel better even though he was never able to. "I was a little nervous myself trying to find you a new guardian, given your previous record track, anyhow look in the bright side this is a more fashionable block than were you once lived, even though it's just minutes away."
"Ya kure?" Sunny mumbled, which probably referred to something as "really Mr Poe? You think we care about that?"
"We don't care about how fashionable it is." Violet snapped as she understood what her sister meant.
"Mr Poe we aren't nervous." Klaus started. "We're anxious" he and Camille let out at the same time, then Klaus continued, "Our friends have been kidnapped by Count Olaf, we are more than nervous, we're anxious."
"Ahh, yes the Quagmire twins" Mr Poe said without a clue. "Triplets." Camille corrected following her brother example. "The Quagmires are triplets." Violet completed.
"But there's only two of them." Mr Poe defended.
"Quigley Quagmire died in a fire" Klaus said joining the conversation.
"Then there's no need to worry about him. As for Dennis and Iphigenia-" Mr Poe said but was interrupted by Violet.
"Duncan and Isadora."
"Do you know what that is Baudelaires?" Mr Poe asked referring to the sirens outside the car that were passing by.
"A police car?" Klaus said confused at why Mr Poe was asking that.
"A citywide manhunt to apprehend Count Olaf and rescue your friends." He replied firmly.
The group then got out of the small car and looked for the building in this dark dark avenue where the posters that Mulctuary Money Management had sponsored implying that Count Olaf was a wanted fugitive weren't visible as I said before it was a dark avenue.
"Once I've dropped you at this apartment building where old friends of your parents have promised to be your guardians, I'm taking a helicopter ride to search for the Quagmires." Mr Poe informed walking along with the Baudelaires and looking for the 667, Dark Avenue.
While the Baudelaires where discussing once again their situation of having to be sent to another set of mysterious friends of their parents, Mr Poe had found the building and had scream also, since he had hit his forehead with a street pole.
"I found it!" Mr Poe said rubbing his forehead while a bruise was starting to show up.
"Who are you?" The bellboy asked when the children and Mr Poe where entering the luxurious but dark lobby.
"Hi! My name is Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings. My brother Klaus and my sisters Camille and Sunny." Violet told the man.
"Ahh yes, you're expected in the penthouse." He said, then he noticed Mr Poe was behind them. "But who is he?This is a restricted are"
"Don't mind me, I'm just dropping off the Baudelaires!" Mr Poe answered.
"Sorry. No authorized parties allowed. There's a citywide manhunt going on." The man told him.
"Well, I'm that case goodbye Baudelaires. Remember  if you'll need to contact me I won't be reachable as I'll be in the helicopter." Me Poe said going out of the door.
"Friend of yours?" The bellboy asked.
"Ooh, he works at the bank." Camille and Klaus said in chorus.
"I know the kind." He said giving them an apologetic smile. Anyways you'll be staying in the penthouse in the most fashionable and secure building where Count Olaf won't be able to access. You'll live with the city's sixth most important financial advisor, Mr and Mrs Squalor. Ooh, and sorry about the lightning, dark is in." He finished.
"In what?" Klaus asked confused.
"Just in." He said, then signaling the stairs he said, "you can take these stairs to the penthouse."
"Is the elevator out of order?" Violet asked. " I'm very good with mechanical devices, I'd be happy to look at it."
"That's a kind and unusual offer, but no, is not out of order. Just out." He said leaving the Baudelaires once again very confused.
Then the youngsters started to climb the long staircase, and within the hour they were on top, anxious about the Quagmires but very tired for the long road they just climb.
In the penthouse there wasn't just one set of elevator doors, but instead there were two sets and the Baudelaires found themselves about to press the button of the second elevator on the floor when the doors that leaded to the penthouse flew open and a man stood there smiling.
"You must be the Baudelaires. Welcome." Stepping forward right in front of the children he continued, "My name is Jerome Squalor. I'm so happy you've come to stay with us."
"How do you do Mr Squalor?" Klaus asked politely.
"You must be out of breath from that climb, and there's two things we can do about that. One, stop calling me Mr Squalor and start calling me Jerome. Two, I'm going to make you a nice, cold martini. Come in!"
"A martini? Isn't that an alcoholic drink?" Violet asked worried that their guardian would give them alcohol after five minutes of knowing each other.
"Usually it is!" Jerome said laughing. "But alcoholic martinis are out and aqueous martinis are in."
"Aqueous martinis?" Camille asked.
"Yeah, it's just cold water in a fancy glass with an olive in it." Jerome answered.
"Tricucho!" Sunny said excited, which probably meant something like "make it a double!"
As he finished the aqueous martinis and told them a story about their parents, he explained that he wanted to adopt them since their parents died, but unfortunately it was impossible and then as he said before his wife that despised all of his old friends walks down the luxurious staircase inside the penthouse.
"Orphans were out then." The elegant woman said. "But now they're in." She continued. "Good evening."
"It's midmorning my precious." Jerome said softly.
"I'm Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor, the city's sixth most important financial advisor." She said already at the bottom of the staircase. "Even though I'm unbelievably wealthy, you may call me Esmé. I'll learn your names later."
"Children I'm so happy you're here, my friends will die with jealousy when they hear I have three real life orphans living here, and that's why there's something you need to know: dark is in, light is out; stairs are in, elevators are out. Pinstripe suits are?" She stated frivolously expecting the children to answer in as she herself was wearing a pinstriped whit suit.
"In." The children said dubiously.
"Yes, in. And those horrible clothes you're wearing are out." She said dryly. "When something is out, it's out. And orphans used to be out too."
"Well we're glad that you're interested in orphans now, because we are very worried about some of our friends." Klaus said sounding kind of offended at first.
"Oooh, yeah the Quagmires." Jerome said gladly while Esmé nodded. "I'm sure you're very anxious about them being rescued."
"We are anxious." Klaus pointed out.
"Well if there's one good thing about being rich and powerful, it's that you don't have to be anxious." She ended laughing. "After they're found the Quagmires will live here with us, the more orphans the best."
Suddenly a newspaper flew into the giant apartment, it was The Daily Punctilio, it informed that light was in and dark was out, which made Esmé go like crazy, she certainly did not want to be seen in the dark and she ordered the Baudelaires to open the curtains, but as they walked to the covered window they saw something, actually, someone, who frightened them again as he's done many many times. As the curtains moved a man was standing there, looking straight into the Baudelaires eyes.
"Does this seem like a nightmare? A bad dream? Because that's the effect I was hoping for."
I'm sure you already imagine who was behind the curtains, as it goes as a metaphor, you know actors are normally behind the curtains in a theater ready to appear and cause a surprise to the applauding crowd, but in this case the Baudelaires were indeed surprise, but surprises don't mean they are full of joy, they can be full of fear and anger as this one was.
"Well, orphans I have nightmares too, and the only thing that calms me is knowing that you'll soon be in my clutches as another set of wealthy orphans already is." Count Olaf said mischievously.
"Where are the Quagmires?" Violet asked, anger reaching out of each of her pores.
"What? You mean you don't know? I thought everyone could smell wealthy orphans when they were near. They're obviously in arms reach as the city manhunt has foreshadowed me."
"You mean 'forestalled'." Klaus corrected.
"But we're gonna stop you." Camille continued. "Mr and Mrs Squalor?" She yelled.
"Count Olaf is here." Violet yelled after Camille.