Zalfie - How to Live

21. Straight and Fast

I buried my hands in my arms and let myself be hurt, let myself try to block out the world around me.

•••

Later that night I awoke in a cold sweat from a nightmare. Zoe had died and I had been the one to push her in front of on oncoming car.

I sat bolt right up in bed and saw my phone lying on my desk. I got up and picked it up, dialing her number.

It had rung about four times when I finally remembered that she really was dead--and that I had as good as pushed her in front of a moving vehicle.

Before I could hang up the phone, a voice was emitted from the speaker.

"Hello?"

My heart leapt in my chest--it was her voice. It was her voice!

"Hello?" Zoe repeated after I hadn't said anything.

"It--it's me, it's Alfie!" I cried into the speaker.

"Is anyone there?"

"Yes, Zoe, listen to me, I--I am so so -so sorry! I was just so--"

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you." My heart dropped all the way to my toes.

It was her voice machine.

"I'm probably out clubbing with Alfred Sydney Deyes, one of the lamest people in existence. Sadly enough, he is the love of my life and my best friend even if he didn't even know how to run properly.

"Since me and Alfie are probably out having fun, I suggest you leave a message. I might not get to you in awhile."

There was the little click as she stopped recording and then the familiar beep.

I hung up and set my phone back on the desk, my throat burning as I tried to hold in tears.

Eventually I had to laugh though.

It was all so--so her. The recording had somehow managed to capture her personality perfectly.

After a few minutes I couldn't help myself: I had to redial her.

Once more I was met with the "Hello?"

I patiently waited until the last part, where she said my name and called me lame. I began to laugh, harder than I had at anything in weeks.

But then I realized that this was probably the only time that I would ever hear her say my name again, unless I called that voice mail again.

And of course I did. I must've called it 25, 30 times. I only stopped when her little message wouldn't play anymore and her mailbox was full.

Then I went to my own mailbox and I listened to every message she had ever sent me, laughing at it all the funny things she had said without meaning to be funny.

I replayed these until I fell asleep.

•••

The next morning I woke up at five and knew right away that there was no way I could go to school today--no way in hell.

I waited for Tyler to pick me up as usual and then asked him to drive me up to Zoe's parents house.

He pulled up to the curb and offered me a sad smile. "You gonna be alright? I can always go in there with you, you know."

I nodded. "Yeah, I know. But I have to do this myself."

Tyler nodded and I got out of the truck and walked up to the Suggs home. I heard the truck stall before it puttered away and I rang the doorbell.