Zalfie - How to Live

21. Straight and Fast

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15 years ago

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I never spoke to her again. I would see her in the hallways and she would offer me one of those smiles and I would turn around and ignore her.

She had really really hurt me. But, then again, I had hurt her worse.

The end of high school managed to keep me busy enough to keep from dwelling on Zoe too much and I refused to answer Tyler and Troye's questions on what had happened and, whenever they told me to go talk to her, I just rolled my eyes and ignored them.

But, despite the charade, I did notice her and what she was doing.

I noticed, for example, a few weeks after we broke up, she was back to refusing to eat half the time. I noticed that she ducked out to smoke almost every class and that she had been kicked out of AP Language Arts.

All of these things were red flags that I stubbornly ignored, all though they did, truthfully, worry me a little.

If only I hadn't been such an ass. If only I had forgiven her when she asked me too.

Then my life would be completely different. It wouldn't be so messed up.

And she might still be alive.

On May 17th, the principal called the senior class down to the auditorium. I filed in with Troye and Tyler. There was excited whispering as all of us picked a seat on the benches.

Once we had all sat down, the principal coughed. "Quiet please," he said and everyone slowly was silenced.

"Unfortunately, today's assembly brings bad news."

I craned my neck around, searching for Zoe in the crowd. Someone had seen her crying in the bathroom yesterday and I wanted to make sure she was alright.

"One of your peers was found last night. Dead."

There was absolute silence through the room, all of us holding the same breath.

"The student was named Zoe Elizabeth Sugg."

The breath was released and my classmates all slowly broke down into tears.

I felt myself become numb, the world seemed to be working in slow motion. I felt my chin trembling and I began gasping for breath.

Troye and Tyler had tears streaming down their faces and their eyes were on me.

I turned to the principal. "This is a mistake," I shouted above the buzz of talking and rush of movement. I felt hope rush into me once more. Zoe wasn't dead--she couldn't be. She was invincible. She was being loud and beautiful somewhere else.

"I'm afraid not," he answered--Chapman, his name was. Principal Chapman.

"It has to be! Because she can't be dead, she just can't be. She has to be alright. She has to be fine. She's fine!" I said, my voice raising.

"Alfie, I'm sorry, I truly am. But this isn't a mistake--she's gone. I wish I could say otherwise but I can't," he said, his eyes looking at me in pity.

"How do you know?" I demanded.

"I saw her. I saw her, Alfie."

"What did she look like?"

"She looked--she looked beautiful, just a couple bruises."

And that's when everything truly collapse, when my body realized that she was dead. That she couldn't not be. Someone had just described her freaking corpse to me.