Shattered

Chapter 28

Ben's POV

1:32

The glow from the clock reflects back on my face.

Not being able to sleep stinks. I should really get some medicine for this.

I get up, head into the early morning coolness wrapping around my body, and I sit for a few minutes on my patio and look out into oblivion. I get up after about a half an hour and take a scorching hot shower. I put on some old clothes and walk to the hospital. Katie told me yesterday before I left that I could come by anytime I wanted. I decided to take her word on it.

I head up to the floor Olivia's on and spot Katie. She comes over to me and touches my arm. "When I said anytime, I didn't think you would be here this early." I take in the atmosphere of the hospital this morning. It was rushed and busy yesterday afternoon, but now it is calm. Katie is wearing a yellow nurse's outfit, Olivia's favorite color. This makes me upset and I choke back my emotions. Katie and I walk past all of the rooms, some with just patients in them, some with family members inside also. Some of the patients are awake, and some of them are asleep. We finally stop before Olivia's door and Katie leaves with a reassuring smile.

I head inside. Nothing has changed from yesterday. Olivia's still sleeping. The room is still white. The only difference is her hair. It was crimped yesterday when I was here. This morning it's dried straight. Someone must have washed her hair yesterday after we left. I sit down beside her and hold her hand.

"Hey Olivia," I say, gripping her hand, not letting go, "you don't know it, but it's almost 3 in the morning. You know how I can't sleep? Well, it's getting harder and harder to sleep with you here. It was easier when you were right below me, where I knew you were safe. Now you are here, and there is nothing I can do about it. I need you to wake up soon. I need you to be okay."

I was able to get through my morning lecture to her without crying, but when I left the hospital, and I was walking home, I decided to go to her apartment. I use my key to go in. It looks the same way it was when I checked it yesterday. I look at everything with the highest scrutiny: the picture of her and her parents on the wall (when she put her arms around my waist), the couch a few nights ago (when I almost confessed my feelings for her), the kitchen (where she found out about her parents and me comforting her afterwards). I look through all the memories and then I walk into her bedroom.

Her room is so her. The walls are yellow with accented gray on the trim. Her bedspread is yellow with grey flowers. She has a grey couch in her room, where I would occasionally sleep when we were younger. Her bathroom is grey but mostly yellow. And it was not just because of her favoritism for yellow. She said that she wanted her bathroom to be both colors, but mostly yellow so that when she woke up in the morning, she would be welcomed by happiness, and not gloominess. This thought makes me smile, not just because of her particular needs, but because I remember it so clearly. I go back into her bedroom and sit on her bed. She already had her outfit picked out for today.

The white and floral patterns sat on the back of her chair, waiting for her to wear it. When I first saw the dress on her, I fell in love with her. Every time after that, I fell in love even more. I shake the thought away. I pick up her dress and look at it. It smells like her. I put it down and sit on her grey couch. I sit for one second before I break down. I let my tears fall and I don't care if they soak up my t-shirt or even her couch. I let them out, one after one.

How could I let her run out?

I let the thoughts flood my mind, and with every new thought comes a new tear.

What if she doesn't wake up?

What if she wakes up, but doesn't remember me?

What if she doesn't wake up and I lose her

What will I do then?

I answer all of my questions, each in order.

Because I'm stupid.

She will wake up; Katie said so.

She will remember me; I know it.

I will not lose her.

If I lose her, I will lose myself.