He's not dead yet

Chapter 1: Something Completely Different

"Dumbledore was a great man!" Harry protested angrily.

"Oh, oh, of course he was!" a new voice interjected sarcastically. Harry looked over and saw a blonde-haired man in a grey suit. "Oh, yes, just absolutely brilliant! Oh, sorry, no more sherbet lemons for me, I'm off to send a young boy on a suicide mission! Oh, oh, oh! Look at me, I'm Albus bloody Dumbledore! I can get away with child abuse and neglect because I'm working for the Greater Good. Oh, oh, oh!"

"Lambert, you're not helping," the other man said.

"Well, pardon me, Wilkins, but some of us have issues regarding old men playing with the minds of underage boys."

"Like you never did that," Wilkins retorted.

"We all did it, ya bastard! Why else would we be working here?"

"Do you need a drink, Lambert?"

"Gin would be much appreciated."

Lambert then went back to reading a newspaper entitled Underworld Weekly, the headline of which was Hogwarts Disaster, Will our boys be able to fix this mess? Harry was beginning to feel incredibly guilty. The whole Battle of Hogwarts was his fault after all.

"Ah, Mr. Potter, I do believe it's your turn," Wilkins said after handing Lambert a glass of gin. Wilkins directed him through a door and into a finely furnished office. Harry kept wracking his brain trying to remember where he knew Wilkins and Lambert from; their voices were incredibly familiar.

As Harry walked into the office, he saw a man sitting at a polished, oak desk. The man was wearing a dark-blue, pinstripe business suit and had short, sleek, dark-brown hair and piercing, dark eyes.

"Ah, Mr. Potter!" the man exclaimed. He shook Harry's hand from across the desk and motioned to a chair. "Take a seat."

"Thank you, Mr...?"

"I forget my name at the moment, but that's of little relevance. Now, Mr. Potter, I've been going over your file and I have gotten a pretty clear picture of what exactly has been happening; and I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that you've really had your destiny screwed up pretty badly, haven't you?"

"Er..."

"I mean just look at this file. First year, a Philosopher's Stone, a possessed DADA professor, a troll. Second year, a basilisk, a Horcrux diary, a whole school thinking you're a dark wizard. It just gets worse. Third year, dementors; fourth year, the Triwizard Tournament and the return of Voldemort; fifth year, the Toad and the Department of Mysteries. No, no, I'm sorry, this is just unacceptable. We haven't had a problem in the Ministry of Death so troublesome since we had to fire one of the pantomime-horses."

Harry gave the man a confused look.

"And to say the least about what I read about your future from this point. As it is, you do have the option of going back out there and taking down Mr. Riddle and all that. However, it seems your life is not going to be as it should have been. According to our experts, you were supposed to accept a rather interesting inheritance from the goblins at Gringotts, have their curse-breakers remove the Horcrux from your scar, and begin a search for the other Horcruxes with the help of the Goblin Nation.

"Ah, I can see by your expression that you are surprised that the goblins would be helpful to you. Well, the thing is, goblins know quite a great deal about Horcruxes and would be only too happy at the chance to destroy them. In fact, if you had simply told Mr. Griphook that you were out to destroy a Horcrux then he would never have betrayed you at all. Not that all the blame of what has happened should be entirely on your head; it seems you had any number of bad influences.