Another Day Without You...

Chapter Five.

Tossing and turning all night, Nicky is struggling to settle her racing thoughts.
It's at the forefront of her mind, she knows she can't relapse, this isn't for her anymore - she has a new family and she can't afford to loose them.

Veins burning, knees weakening she can feel the poison run through her body, All of her emotions, her trauma, her issues were abandoned once the needle was empty.
Her breathing became settled, her eyes began to close as she let herself get consumed by the feeling, everything was clearer and she was able to block out everything she had tried so hard to forget.
Heroin made it easy, easy to forget the emotional pain, easy to relax and accept the warm blanket of love hug her tightly, hold her close and make her feel like she was the only thing in the world, Falling in and out of consciousness wasn't scary anymore, feeling herself so close to the edge every single time she used wasn't scary anymore..

"I can't. I can't go back there. I have a new life now" barely audible leaving her lips, Jolting awake in shock she sat up, She was drenched in her own sweat, shaking and confused..
She looks down at her arms and checks for new track marks, she was still clean.

The dream she was in felt so real, she looked around and everyone was asleep, slowly getting out of bed and walking towards the end of her bunk she looked to see if the CO's were in the bubble, they were slouched over with their head on the desk asleep, Nicky crept out of the dorm and walked towards the bathrooms, still trying to make sense of what just happened- she had experienced these dreams before but only while detoxing and going cold turkey, but Red was always there to hold her, calm her down and talk to her through out the night.. Nicky didn't want to bother red because she thought red would be questioning her sobriety, and at this point- Nicky was questioning it too.

Still dressed Nicky walks into a cubicle and turns the shower on, leans forward banging her head onto the shower wall before finally leaving it there to rest,
A small whimper is released from her throat as she banged the wall with her fist, her hands tried gripping the slippery tiles as her tears fell, Black streaks marked her face from her trademark mascara.
Nicky has finally snapped, with the pressure from the last few months with Lorna, the torture from Piscatella, Trying to comfort Alex and the everlasting pressure to stay clean, up coming events also weighed heavily on Nicky's mind.. Lorna was getting out soon.

A cruel numbness took over her body, She needed to feel something other than pain.
Her mind was now filled with her past mistakes, missed opportunities and failed relationships.. dissociation started to set in, this rarely happened to Nicky but when it did- it held on tight.

"Why can't I just be normal, why can't things go right for me and why can't I just have one good thing in my life" she cried out, banging her head against the tiles again.

"I was a good kid, I was a good fucking kid.. But kids need love, people need love." She started to loose her breath as panic was now setting in.

"Everything I fucking touch, decays in front of me.. I'm unlovable, I have no family.. I'm completely alone, I have no friends and yeah it's all my fault."
Her cries filled the bathroom; Nicky was breaking down, she was on the point of relapse and she couldn't stop herself.. she was ready.

The shower and Nicky's cries disguised the sound of the shower curtain opening, two arms wrapped around her and a body pressed up against her back, a kiss planted on her neck before being turned around and her face being held in a tight grip.. Nicky's ordeal hadn't gone unheard.

A kiss on her lips followed by a tight embrace slowly made Nicky realise she wasn't alone, she was still in the mist of dissociation and wasn't aware of what was happening; the comforting smell and relaxed heartbeat was slowly making familiar connections with Nicky's mind, "Just listen, I know you can hear my heart and I want yours to do the same.. you need to calm down and listen to what I'm about to tell you." The soothing voice was urging Nicky to calm down and relax her breathing; Trying to match the kind souls heartbeat whilst crying was a challenge but she was making it work.

Nicky was starting to come round after being pulled from the episode she was stuck in, her eyes were closed and listening to the water fall down, her chest feeling the beat of the other persons heart and feeling the rising and falling of her chest, Nicky started to realise who this was, she tried to talk although she was cut off immediately..
"Shh, just listen. You are wrong, very very wrong, you deserve love, happiness, time and affection.
You deserve more than this world could ever give you, you deserve everything you have ever dreamed of.. I am not leaving, I mean I am but only prison, I'm not leaving you Nicky because you have my heart, you always did- I was just scared of the differences, but I know better now.. I know I just want you and OUR family, OUR new family, the family we have made and will continue to make" The voice calmly said, soothing Nicky's last ounce of panic.

"I'm not going to let you back there, no sir.. not ever, ever again Nicky you have to realise, it's done now- it's just a memory and you can't go back there- not ever. It's not good for you, it killed you multiple times and I won't let that happen ever again!" 
Nicky opened her eyes and looked at the small, beautiful woman in from of her, her lip was still quivering and her body ached from the shaking,              " you don't have to do this, I don't need sympathy" Nicky tried to fight back, she tried to defend herself and make out she wasn't hurt, even though it was written across her face plain as day.

Lorna reached for Nicky's Top and pulled it up over her head before undressing the sodden clothes the rest of the way, she then repeated the same procedure on herself before turning Nicky around..    "I don't have to your right... I want too. I love you Nicky ." She replies to Nicky, pulling her closer under the overhead waterfall, she gently washed Nicky's hair pulling it out of her face and round to her back.
"Showers make you feel better, they make you clean and wash your troubles away" she added before turning her around, washing the dark marks off her face, " I love you and only want you, it's as simple as that, love is a wonderful thing and lasts a lifetime.. no matter where you are, what your doing or how many inches of glass separates us, I will always love you. Love is patience as well  as affection, I will wait for as long as I need too, I won't spend another day without you in my life." Lorna states before kissing Nicky again..

Maybe it wasn't the heroin Nicky craved, it was love and attention, she needed facts in a world full of uncertainty.. but there was one thing Nicky knew for sure, it's Lorna.. always has been and always will be.