𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 || s. evans

NINETEEN

Izzy was crying her eyes out. The only thing that was worse than this was when her father left. She had been crying a lot more during that one, but she preferred not to talk about it.

Sixteen missed calls. She knew something was up, yet she didn't say anything. Somehow, she felt like this was all her fault. That she could've done something to prevent this, but she was wrong. No one could've seen it coming.

Whether it was the alumni of the glee club or the current members, they were all very sad. And as much as Izzy despised Rachel Berry, she couldn't help but feel sympathy towards her. The New Directions were a family, so it didn't matter what happened, they would support each other through anything.

With dried tears on her cheeks and a normal set of clothes from Izzy quitting the Cheerios, she took a seat in the choir room, knowing how many people came back for this. It was everyone. Well, almost everyone. It had been three weeks, she should have stopped crying by now. But it didn't. She didn't know whether she ever would.

"I'm really glad so many of you could make it back for this," Mr Schue said grimly. His usual happy demeanour was replaced with a sad one. But who could blame him? The whole choir room was filled with sobs.

"We wouldn't miss it for anything, Mr. Shue." Everyone nodded in agreement.

"The funeral was for everyone, but I wanted to do something just for us. To memorialize him the only way we know how— by singing. All week long. Anyone who wants to can come up and sing. Maybe a song he sung, maybe something that reminds you of him," Mr Schue's grim voice rang out.

"Singing isn't going to bring him back," Puck said under a stone-cold face.

"No, it's not. Nothing is. Not ever. But, for two minutes or so, we can all maybe remember the best parts of him. So, think of what you want to sing, if you want to sing, and we'll start tomorrow."

Mercedes got up. "I can't wait until tomorrow, Mr. Shue. I've been bawling for three weeks. If I don't get this all out now, I don't think I'll ever stop crying.

"Sure, Mercedes. Start us off."

"I remember Finn telling me that he sang this song to his baby's sonogram." The memory of that made Izzy laugh on the inside, but she was too sad to giggle.

"Well, he thought it was his baby. He was the first cool kid to be nice to any of us, and he was our leader in here," Mercedes said, voice shaky.

"We love you, Finn."

*******

Santana was unnoticeably sad. She had been masking how hurt she was with humour, and she could only last so long without snapping.

"Okay, I know that Finn had his doubts about God, but I am convinced that Squishyteets is up in Heaven right now, plopped down next to his new best friend Fat Elvis, helping themselves to a picnic of baby back ribs smothered in butterscotch pudding and tater tot grease, so, this is for you, Hudson," Santana said, standing in front of the choir room with no expression on her face.

Her performance of "If I Die Young" was beautiful. Of course it was, Santana's voice was gorgeous. Until it wasn't.

Santana broke down. Halfway through her performance, she stopped because she started sobbing. When Mr Schue tried helping her, she ran out, screaming. Just goes to show that everyone's mental state was terrible.

Walking into the auditorium, Izzy knew exactly where to find Santana.

"You okay? You were great, as always," Izzy sat down next to Santana.

"I couldn't do it," Santana looked down at the floor. "I had this whole plan to surprise everyone and not be a bitch for once in my life and say all these nice things about Finn, and then, at the last minute, I chickened out. I even wrote them all down."

"Do you wanna read it?" Izzy asked softly.

Santana shook her head. "No, I can't. It's too embarrassing. They're, like, really nice."

"If there's one thing I've learned from Finn dying, it's that shame and hatred are stupid. I'm sure Finn had secrets, too, but what does that matter? Do you really think, one day, on your deathbed, you're gonna think, 'Oh, good, no one knew I was kind?'"

Santana nodded, indicating that she changed her mind. "Okay," she unfolded the piece of paper. "When we had sex, Finn never stopped asking me if I was okay the whole time, and he meant it. One time, Becky Jackson left a piece of chocolate birthday cake on my chair, and when I sat on it, it looked like I had pooped my pants, and, so, Finn walked behind me until I could get out of school so no one saw my chocolate butt and thought that I had messed myself."

"Yeah, you would've never lived that one down," Izzy bit back a small smile. Finn's memory was beautiful and made her think happy thoughts.

"No. He was a much better person than I am."

"You're not wrong. But Finn really cared about you. And I don't think he would've done all those things if he didn't think you were a great person, too," Izzy told her.

"Can you leave, please?" Santana requested, crying but trying to blink back the tears.

Izzy nodded, rubbing her arm and walking out the door.

*******

"I can't do it," Izzy muttered to Sam.

"That's okay," he gave her a smile.

Izzy shook her head, tears threatening to spill. "No, it's not. I should've known. Sixteen missed calls, Sam. I was never his best friend, I hated him half of the time." At this point, Izzy was full-on crying. "I was such a terrible person to him, I'm just happy that I managed to make it up."

Izzy fell into Sam's arms, finding comfort in him. Trying to stop before Rachel's performance, she composed herself, sitting up straighter and clearing her throat.

"Nobody treat me with kid gloves, okay? I don't know what to say, either. I loved Finn, and he loved me, and he loved all of you guys. I know he did. I like to sing in the car and, and before Finn, I used to sing alone," Rachel was looking like a mess. She was very close to crying. "and this was the first song that I sang with him when we would drive around together, so this is for him."

While Rachel was singing "Make You Feel My Love," Izzy thought about how she treated everyone. She hated Rachel, some of it justified, but most of it not. And when she was kicked out of glee, she treated everyone so badly. Yes, they kicked her out completely unjustified, but she became someone she didn't even recognise.

She looked around the room. Tina was sobbing, Sam had buried his head in her shoulder, and she was unknowingly tearing up at Rachel's quivering voice. As hard as it was for Izzy, she had to remember that this was a hundred times harder for Rachel and Kurt. And she hoped that the glee club would never have to go through anything like this ever again.

*******

Rachel Berry was staring at the memorial. She had been frozen in place, not able to look away from all the cards and flowers.

"It's very nice, isn't it?" Izzy asked, standing right next to her.

Rachel turned to look up at her, only to see Izzy staring right at the memorial.

"It is," Rachel said softly.

Without warning, Izzy pulled her into a tight hug, with Rachel shocked at first but melting into it eventually.

"If there's one thing I learnt from his death, it's that spending all my time hating people is useless. I'm too young to be bitter, and I've already wasted most of this year hating everyone in that choir room," Izzy told Rachel.

"What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry for everything," Izzy confessed.

Rachel nodded. "I'm sorry too. You're right. Hating people is just stupid," Rachel admitted.

Letting go of the hug, Izzy gave Rachel a tight-lipped smile and left her standing there.