Say It

twenty seven

I knew he would be the only one who wouldn't necessarily judge me. He'd understand.

I sighed again, heavily and sat back in my chair. "Pills." I finally said.

"Huh?"

"It's not alcohol. It's pills. Sleeping pills and anti-depressants." I repeated, messing with my fingernails.

Uncle Amir lifted my chin up so that I could look back at him. "How long you been clean?"

"I'm approaching my one year sobriety anniversary. And Uncle Amir, it's getting harder and harder to stay sober."

"I'm so proud of you." He ignored me. "Fuck all that other shit. It's gon' be hard. But you a year in already. You can't think about the next day. One day at a time."

I nodded. "I know that. But I've also had this out of sight, out of mind thing going on. My boyfriend, Jace, put it back in my face and he didn't know. But it triggered me."

He put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me to him to kiss my forehead. "You're stronger than ya think, baby girl. You probably already had a million chances between that moment where he unknowingly put it in your face and not take one. But you didn't obviously. That says alot about you. You need the support that you are robbin' yaself of."

I shook my head. "Look how they treated you. They basically shut you out."

"That's cause I was doin' stupid shit. You different. You already sought out help. I didn't want that shit. I fought them." He looked at me. "And you Mimi's daughter. You kno' ya mama better than that. She not gonna shut you out."

"Yea, I know." I mumbled.

"So wassup? Why you scared to tell her?"

I shrugged a little. "I just don't want to disappoint her, I guess."

"You won't." He shook his head. "Life happens. You're still in school, running track and things like that. Experiences the best teacher. Ya mom's parenting is gettin' you through it."

A tear dropped down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away. "I'll tell her."

"In person."

I let out a breath and nodded. "In person." I repeated. "Before her birthday."

"Fair." He squeezed my hand.

"Your turn."

Uncle Amir scratched the back of his neck. "When Ray married Iman, that's when I felt myself relapsing and I eventually did. But I only socially drink. If it's good vibes only. I promise."

"If it were anyone but Iman, would you have felt any better?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I'd like to think that but I kno' it ain't true. It just really set in that we wasn't gettin' back together. Pushed me to really move on."

I nodded. "I think Angel's good for you. She knows about your drinking?"

"Yea."

"What'd she say about last night?"

He laughed a little. "She got on my ass about it. Just kno' I ain't drinkin' the rest of this trip."