Loving Saturday | GDL

111. Different Car, Different Song, Same Feeling

Maybe, we're better off this way

I'm not fine, I'm in pain

It's harder everyday

Maybe, we're better off this way

It's better that we break, baby

And then the music stopped.

Silence enveloped us.

I remained staring blankly into the road and the city lights that's starting to get blurry in my vision.

I didn't know what to say or how to break this silence in between us.

I expected it. I expected this.

Because I knew it in myself that I couldn't continue living my life if I was still chained to the pain of the past.

Where do I start?

"I-I'm sorry..." I almost whispered.

He remained in that position.

I couldn't even see his face.

And I badly wanted to see it. I wanted to know what his reaction was. Was he sad? Was he crying? Was he happy? Was he hurt? Was he pained?

All I could hear was heavy breathings.

"I'm sorry for everything..." I started. Naramdaman ko na lang ang pagkabasa ng pisngi ko. I wasn't a cry baby. I never liked crying, but after everything that happened, there wasn't a day, a night or a moment in my life that I never cried. I couldn't even remember the last time that I didn't cry.

And it was tiring.

Nakakapagod palang umiyak.

"I don't even know why you're still being good to me when I didn't deserve any of these after everything I've done to you."

I smiled to myself. "Maybe... because Tita Anna and Tito Bert raised you really well. I'm sure tinuruan nila kayo na 'wag magtanim ng galit sa kapwa... kaya siguro ganito. Maybe, that's why you're still kind to me... but believe me, Juan. You can be mad at me—I deserved it. Curse me all you want. Hurt me all you want and everything will still not be enough compared to all the things I've done to you. After all the pain I've caused you."

Hindi pa rin siya gumalaw.

Ni hindi niya man lang ako tiningnan.

"Are they mad at me? Is... Tita Anna and Tito Bert mad at me?" I tried to ask even when my voice was about to break.

Bigla siyang umupo at isinandal ang ulo niya sa headrest. His eyes were closed and his hands were still tightly holding the steering wheel. "No... they never knew about it."

Mas lalong tumulo ang luha ko. I nodded. "B-bakit hindi mo ipinaalam sa kanila?"

"I don't want them to hate you..." he almost whispered.

"Why not? I'm selfish. I hurt you. Let them hate me, they have the right to hate me—"

"They don't."

Hinga.

"I'm the only one who have the right to get mad at you."

"T-then why aren't you shouting at me? Why aren't you mad at me? Why aren't you—"

"Because I knew you had a reason."

Parang pinipiga ang puso ko.

God, he was too good, too kind, too selfless for this world. Any girl would be really lucky to have him.

And I was once that lucky, yet I chose to let him go.

I chose to let the best man ever go.

"We were happy, Sabado..." he said. Each word stung. Each word stabbed my chest. He was right. We were happy. "We were happy... we were a great couple, my brothers and my parents would always tell me that you're a great girl and that I should keep you forever."

"And I believed in them. I trusted my family, because they were right about you. You're all I ever asked in a girl. You're kind, you have a good heart, you love your family, you love God... the same way I loved Him."

"You may be overrated in my eyes, but it's true... you're like an angel. You made my life a lot better. I thought I had everything... but then you came and then all of a sudden, everything became clear. I thought I was already complete but then you started filling out the missing pieces of my life... and I realized, God, I was still incomplete after all this time."

"We were the best together... until you had to go."

I stopped when he held my hand gently. So gentle that I almost forgot how much I was hurting right now. "Baby... where did I go wrong? What went wrong?"

Both of his hands were holding mine. He was looking at me and I don't even have the courage to look back. "I..." I stopped. I couldn't even explain myself to him. I was such a coward.

"You can tell me... and I'll understand."

One beat.

"My... m-my mom died."

Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko.

"S-she was dying... and I needed you. I needed my boyfriend... I badly needed you that night..." my chest started to tighten.

"W-why didn't you tell me?" he asked, shock was still evident in his voice.

I removed his hold in my hand. "You never asked."

"I—"

"You forgot about me," I started. "You started forgetting about me... that you still have a girlfriend. I may be miles away from you and I may not be with you physically, but I was still your girlfriend, Juan."

"No... I would—"

"But you did!"

Mukhang nagulat siya sa pagtaas ng boses ko, maging ako.

Everything's just too much for me to take in.

"You forgot about me, because I wasn't your priority..."

"No... Sab... you are my—"

"No, Juan," I stopped him from touching me. More tears started to fall. Do they ever stop? "Where were you when everything was falling apart?" I asked.

He couldn't answer.

Because we both knew the answer.

And it sucked. It sucked knowing that I was right.

His eyes were starting to pool with tears. "Just stop it, Juan... I'm tired," I said as I rested my head on his car's window.

He let out a deep sigh. "You think you're the only one?" he asked. I looked at him with confusion in my eyes. He smiled fakely at me. "'Cause me too, Sabado..." then, a tear fell. "I'm tired chasing after you."