Ursa Minor (On hiatus)

Broken branches

I hadn't. I had failed. Hadn't even managed to look after myself. Now someone else would be looking after them. The seat would be taken if he ever decided to come back. Except my dad had never managed to look after anyone either. And he certainly wasn't coming back now. For I brief moment I wished I had agreed to see him one of those times. Let him see how messed up I'd become. I sped up again, not wanting to be alone with all those dark thoughts. There was no use thinking them over and over again.

But I wasn't sure being around people made me feel any better. Entering the hallway I really missed my jacket. My armor. I wasn't used to feeling like this anymore. The last days of fighting had left me so raw, like I was bruising just from the people bumping into me. And all the talking, all the smells, all the colors flashing in front of my eyes. My mind already overloaded, and the day hadn't even started yet. I steered my steps to Lisa's locker. Hoped her shiny hair and cheerful smile would ease everything. Make me forget. This morning. The last four years. The moment she was within my reach I looped my arm around her, kissed her cheek quickly, but not quickly enough. She caught the look on my face. Cradled my cheeks in her delicate hands. Searching, searching.

"Is something the matter?" I averted my eyes, looked down the length of the hallway. 

"Just a bit stressed, about this stuff in English," I lied, leaning my forehead against hers. 

"You're doing great," she said encouragingly. "I heard you got praise for the essay..." she said in her soothing sweet way. I swallowed. My hands sweaty, now awkwardly perched on her hips. Heard from where, from who? Paranoia. I didn't want her spying on me with the help of twenty angelic choir girls.  

"Yeah, sure," I mumbled, and Lisa interpreted my uneasiness as humbleness. She hugged me tightly, whispering that she was proud of me in my ear. I finally got to hid my face in her hair, but to keep myself from snorting, scowling. Keep the mess from forming into words, and forcing their way out. Because seriously. Who could be proud of this? I quickly pushed the thought away. No negative thinking. But her shiny hair didn't light my mood the way it usually did, and too soon I made up, another lie, another excuse to leave. Not a good sign. I wasn't doing great. Far from it.

I fiddled with my bag continuing down the hallway. Fucking Tim, ruining fucking everything. And why now? Why did he have to go change jobs when I finally was getting some of my shit together? The last days after coming back from the beach had actually been great. Just Friday I'd been smoking with Allen behind my usual corner, snorting with laughter as he imitated the somewhat crazy Spanish teacher. Not caring if Lee or anyone else saw us. Feeling the fizzy bubbly happiness as he huffed in exasperation and listed verbs on his fingers much like Mr. Haynes was known to do. My smile so wide it'd felt like my face would split in two. Now the memory only served to make me anxious. Actually, only thinking of speaking to Allen made want to curl up and hide for the rest of the day. I didn't want him around feeling like this. The person I'd been with him on the beach was miles away.

I saw Adam's familiar jacket in the stream of people, but there wasn't any consolation to be found there either as I told him about the weekend and Tim's moving in plans. 

"Yeah, now you know what it's like for me all the time," Adam he just muttered. Asshole. Sure I knew Ade wasn't the incarnation of consideration but still. Bastard. 

"Fucking whatever then," I muttered, feeling myself retracting even further as Jason arrived by his side. I'd been good ,but right now I really needed to get out. With or without Ade and his new piece of shit friend. And since none of them seemed very eager when I asked it would have to be without. Get lost with the trees as my only company. Which was a fucking hippie thought but whatever. The bell rang and I made up my mind. I'd go to the first period. If I could manage one period, I could managed two and lunch and the afternoon. I'll be fine, I mumbled to myself steering my steps to the classroom. Learned thoughts. With my un-cooperating mind being my own cheer leader was a necessity.