Mayans Don't Fear The Reaper

Give Me A Reason To Carry On

"Unlike you I don't run from my problems I face them!.... and right now.... you're a problem!.... though you are one I can deal with.... I have to deal with myself for I am a problem too!.... my past experiences tell me that I deserve this but I know I don't!.... I want better!.... I DESERVE better!.... but this is a two way street and you have to be willing to meet me halfway not come at me full force!"  Muerte says Juice looks at her sadly as she continues "I'm not ready to let you "all the way in" yet.... I can't!.... I'm not in the right place in my heart or in my head for that!.... I feel like I'm in a deep dark hole and can't get out!.... you were the one light that shines within it but I've gotta so used to.... it's cold down there and I'm afraid of your warmth!.... all this is is you feeling sorry.... for yourself!?!.... for me!?!.... for the way you've treated me!?!.... and how much you "miss me"!?!.... for not being there when "you should have"!?!.... I don't know which.... with you I don't know what is the truth and what is a lie!"  she whispers then she takes a step back looks into his eyes "I.... wanted and waited for you for so long too.... "wake up"!!.... you KNEW the truth yet you listened to the lies!.... time and time again no matter how many people told me that I was a fool to give you so many chances.... for being so patient and understanding.... maybe they were right!.... maybe I shouldn't have been so lenient.... but I couldn't help it!.... my heart hurt everytime I watched you ignore me.... to what!?!.... "save me" from her wrath!?!.... in case you haven't noticed Juice I am ten times scarier than she will ever be!.... it's the Mexican in me!"  Marcus chuckles softly when he hears her say that but he doesn't interfere he knew that she needed to take care of this mess on her own let everything out even if he didn't listen she still needed to say what was on her mind and in her heart for that was the type of person she is "I know it's strange.... how fast we.... I had never....! I feel like they ruined SO MUCH for me.... and you're helping!.... whether you're doing it on purpose or because you're still not thinking with your heart but with that elephant sized air-filled brain of yours I don't know!.... when you.... kiss me!.... touch me!.... talk to me!.... look at me!.... I'm now living the lie.... listening to that voice you have been listening too for so long but luckily for me it sounds NOTHING like Gemma or Clay! unfortunately it does sound like my ex!.... the man before you the way he was after he broke up with me.... but unlike you I won't give into it!.... I'm more than scared Juan!.... I'm TERRIFIED!.... I lost my daughter because of them!.... I feel like I have nothing left within me to give because of them!.... I not only don't know love but I CAN'T love!.... and to be with you now.... to use you as you asked me to do.... I can't!.... I won't become them!.... I won't!"  Muerte says Juice looks at her sadly "you're going to have to give me time Juice.... be patient and stop pressuring me!.... you may not see it that way but that's how you're presenting it.... you haven't given me a break since I came out of the hospital.... at least this time it isn't you pushing me away but me asking for time.... though if you continue to push me into your arms the way you've been trying to do it may turn out worse than your yo-yo years and you will never gain me back ever again!.... for it won't be as full as it once was.... do you understand what I'm trying to say?!"  she asks softly "yes!.... it's just.... it hurts!.... everytime I see you!.... I know what I've done to you!.... what I keep doing to you!.... to myself!.... hearing you once again call me Juice!.... I still hate it!.... I don't know why.... I hate it when you call me Juice but I love it when I hear you call me Juan or JC.... Happy threatened me!.... and he had every right to do so!.... it was my fault!.... if I hadn't done what I did to you!.... if I was there with you!.... I could have stopped them I could have....!"   he replies softly "become a part of THAT problem!.... and I wouldn't have been able to bare it.... losing the both of you!.... especially in the way I lost her!.... you would have been left there to die Juice!.... if I couldn't handle all them by myself you....! I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had to live with the knowledge of knowing that your blood was on my hands even if I wasn't the one who placed the fatal blow itself.... it would have been MY fault because they were after me!.... it wasn't you're fault!.... you were at the club.... you couldn't have known they were there waiting.... though I have no idea how they knew I was coming.... it isn't like I came by everyday.... even though I know you wish I had!.... and I'm pretty sure you never told anyone about our daughter so they couldn't have known about the ultrasound appointment.... I also know for certain that no one but my dad has the kinda pull to get that type of information from our family physician and yet they were there waiting!.... blocking the road so that I couldn't get past then surrounding me so that I couldn't leave....!"  she tells him she stops then says softly "there's something I should show you"  he looks at her oddly as she takes his hand in hers holding onto just his fingers with her own and she walks him to her Harley while whistling for Rebel who came rushing over and hops into his sidecar she climbs onto her Harley and he climbs on behind her then she drives off and heads towards the graveyard where their daughters gravestone is....