hello.

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by lostinthesong

by lostinthesong

Hello,

I don't really know what this is gonna turn out like. Probably an online public diary of what's happening in my life or brain.

I've tried really hard to work on my fiction, but my motivation, time and anxiety won't let me do much right now.

I thought if I wrote it all down, maybe it would help? Well, we're about to find out.

Thanks for tuning in...

-A

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Today was a pretty solid day. Work, shopping, movie and dinner.

I'm not one who goes out to bars and clubs. I don't have a lot of really close friends. In the last few years, I've become more comfortable in my apartment on my own with my own thoughts. Most of the time that includes Netflix or sleeping.

But sometimes, I get lonely and it's usually after I spend time online. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat. And I know "not everyone's life is what they portray online." I've heard that so many times, but it doesn't click in my brain sometimes when I see someone from high school get a really cool job or internship or someone I went to college get engaged.

And when I see everyone progressing and changing and evolving, I feel alone. Really alone. I know everyone is at a different point in their lives, on different pages, different chapters. But it still makes me feel unworthy and unaccomplished. I feel stuck. I made the choice to stay in school. To pursue a masters and stay at the same school I got my bachelor's degree. Everything around me feels like it's moving at light speed and I'm standing still. And I get dizzy and overwhelmed and tired and inferior. I want to move at light speed, change, evolve and progress, but I don't know how.

I try to work out and change how I eat. I watch new shows and try new things, but somehow I always fall back into my patterns. Coming home from work/class, homework, nap, TV. The new pattern works for a while, and then work and school and papers and tests get in the way. I feel overwhelmed and the new pattern falls to the wayside and old ways emerge.

Today was good though. Classes are over, so now it's just work. I want to break from this old pattern. I want to change and evolve. I want to be unstuck, and I think now is the time.

I'm afraid, afraid that it'll be good for a while and then I'll fall how I always do, back to my old ways.

We'll see this time.

See if I get unstuck.

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