Drowning In Self Worth

Swimming Lessons

Dear Friend,

Bare with me. This chapter is something I've been thinking about for the last 3 months. I think that after the events of the last couple of days, it's time I buckle down and commit to it a little bit. It's been 10 and a half months after all.
Starting from where I left off, I was very lost. I have found some sense of clarity and peace inside me, deep down. But it took some digging and multiple traumatic events. It hasn't been a simple year. For this part of the story, turn your Spotify to Head Above Water by Avril Lavigne. The album. There's a few representative songs which can easily cover a lot of the emotions I'm going to talk about. 

I somehow, despite my work history, am still working at the pub I was working at last time I wrote to you. Some staff changes have happened. One for bad, but ended up not happening. I've not felt this comfortable with people I've worked with before. Due to the absence of a lot of biological family in my life, they're kind of like a placebo for that feeling. There may be people I don't get along with, but there's not a single person there that I don't enjoy working with. And not a single person I actively dislike. Everyone has their moments, but work gets busy, and I'm not the only person capable of feeling stress. I can sympathise with anyone who gets hot and bothered when in a busy work place. A person at the head of our pub has changed since the last time I wrote to you too, and I have told them this, but I want to state it here too. This person is the kindest, most selflessly tolerant individual I've ever worked with. I respect them so much and I'm glad that I work with them. Brown-nosing aside, there's a .00015% chance of them seeing this anyway so I don't feel I need to say more. 

On to the slightly more miserable stuff, I have 2 stories to get out of my system. The first one is a VERY sensitive topic so I am going to tread around it lightly, and hope I don't neglect any important details. The second one is a situation that ended literally less than 12 hours ago, so it's very fresh in my mind. 

Shaking at the thought of this because it resonates so much in my brain, but it's something that has genuinely deeply affected my mental state to a point where I can no longer bare to be touched by anyone without flinching. So it went as such. A friend has invited me to spend the night at their residence because it was closer to where I work than where I was staying at the time and I was working 2 consecutive days. They said they could wash my uniform for me and it'd be a fun evening. Having intended to walk home from work in my pyjamas that night, I accepted their offer. A bottle of Disaronno later, my friend was spilling their heart out to me about things I have never repeated to another soul. I have never breathed a word of what I was told to anyone, not even my closest friends, on the basis that regardless of what happened that night, I still hold respect for them. And that isn't my story to tell. 
We decided to order takeaway and I remember taking a step forward and crumpling to the ground. I managed to drunkenly twist my ankle on a level floor. This incident happened last November and it still hurts sometimes. That's not it though. I can say that what happened that night was legitimately terrifying. But this is my story to tell. With the takeaway, we ordered  a bottle of wine each and within a half hour of it arriving, both bottles were half empty. Oh Echo Falls, how tempting you are. 
At this point we were both wasted, and it was about 2am. I don't remember much from the following hour, it's kind of fuzzy. But they pulled me in and made out with me. This lasted a few minutes. Or longer. Or less. In reality, I have no idea. But I remember at one point not long after, something in my friend kind of snapped. They got very angry and started threatening me, shouting at me to not tell anyone about what they'd told me earlier on, and it was absolutely terrifying. Beyond any kind of fear I'd felt before. For some more context, I couldn't just get up and leave. I was sat in a part of the room where my only means of leaving were through a window which was not on the ground floor level, or through the door, which my friend was in front of. With a knife. Yes, they had a knife. I was being threatened with a knife held to my throat not to tell anyone what they'd said. And like I said, I never have to this day. But this speaks to how much alcohol was consumed because they didn't stop threatening me. I was screaming for help for at least 3 hours, begging to not be hurt, bawling my eyes out, I couldn't do anything. And I did genuinely think at one point "This is it, this is how I'm going to die". I was screaming for my life. And I knew the neighbours could hear me, and to this day, I hate that they didn't help me sooner, call me bitter but this situation is like one where if you hear someone screaming for help or for whoever they're with to stop doing whatever they're doing, you intervene. And they had the ability to. And this went on for hours, so they had plenty of time to do so. After a while, they sliced their hand open with the knife and were getting very close to my face. I could very literally feel the moisture of their breath on the tip of my nose with the threats being breathed at me, and on top of that, their hand was on my knee, and my legs were covered in their blood. After a few hours, they just gave up, and just told me to get out, so I picked up as much of my stuff as I could grab and I ran out. The neighbour asked me what was going on, and I just said to call an ambulance. This is the point where I sort of crumpled in on myself and cried so much that everything is a haze. I remember some fighting, someone had a knife thrown at them, a struggle, my friends mother being called. From then on, I spoke to police, and got taken home. I didnt get to wash their blood off of my legs until I was home.

I still feel pains in my ankle which echo back to that night. It's not easy to get over just like that. It left a mental scar which I don't think wil be healing any time soon. It was about 6 months ago now and I'm still scared of that person. And I have spoken to them since. They don't remember a thing, and wish I was that lucky. Nowadays, I've developped a massive issue with being touched, whether it be intimately or just a friendly hug can make me flinch if I'm not ready for it. If someone touches my legs, I hate it. I can only describe as it being like a bubble in your chest, and when someone touches you, the bubble feels like its about to pop. It's a nasty feeling. So dearest reader, tune your radio until you hear the sweet sounds of "Birdie" by Avril Lavigne.

Anywhom, onwards and downwards... 

Since December, I had been seeing someone which took up most of my time, which will explain the lack of another chapter anytime sooner than this one. At least for the last few months. So, we met on Tinder, and within two days we sort of fell head over heels for eachother. It was very sudden and I don't think I was quite ready, but I didn't care. You tend to not care when you have this illusion of love in your head. He did say to me he loved me the first or second time we met. And I said it back. But that was because I sort of meant it. It was, in the long term, a mistake to commit my brain to someone so soon but it felt right. I think this experience has taught me to never jump the gun when it comes to my feelings. Because the following months just sort of slowly went more and more downhill. But hey, who am I to shorten stories ? 

After we met a few times, and 'I love you' was said, it sort of stuck. And I don't regret it, not one bit. It was very loving until about February when I'd been having doubts for a couple of weeks and tried to break things off. Mere hours later, I got drunk and begged to take it back. Twice. And for another two months, it worked out. Until I'd had enough again, at the beginning of May. Now, it may seem like I'd just lost whatever sentiment I'd just felt, and for about 60% of it, that is true. However. However, the rest was for other reasons. Amongst other things, I have friends that I know from online dating apps, nothing has come from them other than maybe sex, but that is where I know them from. By my now ex, I was forbidden to see these people. If I'd had any sort of sexual history with anyone, I wasn't allowed to see them. And it felt restrictive. I felt like I wasn't trusted. And that kind of hurt. The other thing was that I was not to consume alcohol unless he was present. Like, he was limiting what I consume. That was when it felt controlling. And I had to get out. So I did, but more than likely through the worst means possible. After failing to end things three times, either because of his iron grip or my weak will (pick one), I ended up doing it in a way that I am in no way proud of but it was my only way out : I cheated. And I don't like that I did. I hate that I did. But one night, after what was possibly my worst shift at work ever, I went out, got drunk, and made out with a stranger. I just didn't care anymore. 

After that, it was emotional, and involved an incident with me getting creepily stalked and catfished. I'm rushing through this section because I've blocked a lot of it out. I'm at a stage where I need to keep him at arms length, becuase the stalking/catfishing severely scared me. I can still talk to him online sparingly, but only sparingly. I think he understands, fuck, I hope he does. What I did was wrong but he didn't help himself much. And that, reader, is why for this story, I choose the song "I fell in love with the devil" by Avril Lavigne.

That's my two stories. For the last 11 months. I'm sorry but that is all I have. I know it seems boresome, but I do what I can to have a simple life. It never works out that way, but I do try. For those who know me when they read this, please take into account that if I told you things, and I left them out here, it's probably due to me forgetting. I've said it before and I'll say again, I would lose whatever remaining credibility that I have if I were to lie. So if the people who know me think I left something out, please let me know. That is all.

Stay safe, dearest reader, and until next time.

-Constance Olivia Jones.