Drowning In Self Worth

What should have been as easy as salt & pepper...

I'm depressed and paranoid. Time to write again. It's weird, because I feel like with each chapter I type I lose a piece of my life. Also, new keyboard so excuse the typo's if I don't catch all of them.

Anyways,

Hello Friend.

Welcome back. This is what has happened in the last month. Some stuff has actually happened. I know. My life tends to move at such a slow pace. I've tried to move on from my misery. I still have moments like now when I feel ultimately useless and want to end it all. Still though, I lament. Currently, I am listening to Skinny Love by Birdy. Which is keeping me surprisingly stable. Because I haven't started crying yet. Yet. I'm upset again. I can't give an actual reason this time. I guess it's just a mash-up of reasons. Let's take it from the top.

In the last chapter I mentioned a friend and her partner (needless to say with EXCELLENT deduction they worked out it was about them). Surprisingly the chapter itself wasn't, as far as I  know, what worsened the situation. No, it was me saying something I didn't say. And I didn't mention this in the last chapter because I was unaware of having apparently said some things. Before I say what was "said" I'm going to clarify that I'm 100% sure I didn't say this whilst sober. Literally, couldn't be more certain. I apparently said to one of my BEST FRIENDS partner when she wasn't present "You're too good for her" on two separate occasions. Let's pick this apart. The two occasions where I'd said this were before we went out on New Years (I assume because it was the only time I was alone with my BFF's partner) and when we were at the pub that night and completely off my face drunk. I'd had a lot of vodka. I won't sit here and pretend to be 100% of what I may or may not have said whilst drunk. But alcohol makes you more likely to do or say things you want to do. Let's take that in. It doesn't make you do things you don't want to do. It decreases your awareness and lowers your guard. So, sorry to make this all about myself but I need to go back and remind my dearest reader of how I felt that night. I was depressed as all hell. I'd just been broken up with. And it was painful. Because at that point, I had nothing. Except my friends. And especially the friend who had invited me out that evening. So the idea that I would turn to my BFF's boyfriend and say "YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HER" is stupid. And anyone to believe it would be stupid. Yes, you would be.
I won't deny I drunkenly tried to kiss the guy, and flirted with him (I hope you're happy I didn't use a general term and that the specifics are all there). I wanted to flirt with someone. I'm a hermit. I don't leave the house. I flirted with the only guy I knew there. Fine, I get that it was disrespectful. And I'm not trying to defend that. I've never tried to defend it. It was a stupid mistake. A REALLY stupid mistake. I'm calling bullshit on saying stuff to my friend that even to this day I never believed. Never have I EVER believed that he was too good for her. If anything, they're just as bad as each other considering how this has happened. And how it's all gone down. Being ignored, turned on, and cast away by someone so dear at such a low time is too much. Then to turn on your waterworks and blame everything on me and point the finger at me is just wrong. She offered at one point to go out and sit down and talk about it. The truth is that I never did because I was scared of meeting up with her, and not having any money to get myself food. It's as superficial as that. And I wouldn't expect someone who hates my guts to pay for my food. And I didn't so I didn't meet with her. Which proves to me how self involved I am. I cared more about how I looked than fixing my friendship. Maybe at one time, during this debate I wouldn't have cared how I looked. But as soon as the words "He's too good for her" were spoken, I lost faith.

Dearest Ex-BFF, to you, I say but this. This is the final chapter of our friendship. After this I hope never to see a splash of ink that vaguely looks like your name. I'm disappointed. But I can do better. And so can you. If you can say with absolute certainty that you remember me drunkenly saying those words then I will eat them. Happily. But right now it's his word against mine. And he doesn't like me. He didn't like me before that night. And a magician's most powerful trick is the power of suggestion. Implanting a false memory in someones head is so easy. And if you don't believe me, look it up. I doubt you care. But you didn't deal with the situation very well either. Turning on the faucet in your eyes when I barely spoke to you in public just so you could get a pity party..? Please. I leave you with three songs, darling. Cry Baby and Pity Party by Melanie Martinez, and the delightful Strong by One Direction.

Anything I write is my law. If I were to lie when I wrote this, I would lose whatever credibility I had left. Which isn't a lot in your eyes or anyone elses. These chapters are all I have. But on to the happier stuff.

Happy stuff. Pah! You wish. I have one more fun anecdote before I go there. And by fun, I mean miserable, as per usual. Of course. Because this is my life, and even when I actively seek help from a professional, I get shot down. Unfortunately, that wasn't in a literal sense. I wish someone would shoot me. Woop! Suicidal thoughts! I remember my mother hounding me for a year and a few months to seek medical attention for my mental illness issues. This is what I get. Worse. For once, I was right to be too proud to see a doctor. This bitch. THIS BITCH. This has me STEAMED. Thinking that this person was so rude, inconsiderate, and just a bitch. Shout out to Courtney for when we walked out of her office, closed the door, and she turned to me and said far too loudly "SHE WAS A FUCKING BITCH". Neither she, nor I regret that. It was a funny moment. Seriously, if I could remember her name then I would put it in here so people knew not to go to her. Cutting me off, not letting me speak and putting everything I said down to being unemployed. The fucking nerve. She didn't let me say more than 10 words. Who cares? I just thought it was funny.

NOW we get to the happy bit. Yes, there is a happy bit. In this short chapter, there is something positive to say. I've met a very nice gentleman caller. He is lovely. No faults. He is kind, accepting, calm, nerdy, interesting. He's the whole package. Voice in the back of my head telling me it's too good to be true. He uses watercolours. He plays card games. He's very pretty too but I'm not superficial. That's a lie, I am a bit superficial but not a huge amount. Especially not regarding this man. We went on a date, a bit out of my way (only fault is the distance I have to travel on a bus). It was nice. I had a nice time. A cute hug at the end of the day, leaving me with the cutest text I've received in my life and listening to happy love songs for the rest of the evening. I told him last week that I wanted to tone down whatever we were becoming because it was too much for me to maybe handle. I still talk to him just as much, if not more. I honestly tried not talking to him and it didn't work. I'm psychotic and obsessive though, so nobody is really surprised by that. He's just so lovely. And precious. And whilst I'm not sure where we're at, it seems promising. And comfortable. He is a comfort zone. He feels safe. And that's nice.
Is it obvious that I'm a tad smitten? Yes? Shit. Ah well. I didn't try and hide it. I can't wait until our second date. We talk pretty much every day. And it's been a couple of weeks and will be a couple of weeks until I see him again. But that prospect is so exciting. I honestly can't wait. I sound crazy... Oh well. For now, the song I'll assign you, you devilishly handsome idiot, is Begin Again by Taylor Swift. It wasn't a Wednesday, it wasn't really café, but I'm watching it begin again. Watching what begin again? I don't quite know. We'll see if anything begins at all. Legit hope it does.

I haven't much more to say at this present moment in time. I offer my thanks to the people who have commended me on how well they thought the previous chapters were written. So, yeah, thanks and stuff. I appreciate it. The next chapter was written from my phone and was the second draft for this chapter. Instead it's going to be a sort of mini chapter about some general thoughts that have passed through my head recently but it was incomplete. I was in my friends living room when I wrote it. My friends were all asleep. It's an interesting read, give t a try (shameless self promo).

Until then, thank you very much again for reading,

Much love,

Constance O. Jones

xx