Over time

Chapter Seventeen

Kara

With the twins finally asleep I curled up on the sofa and just sat there in the dark. Gina's words kept on replaying in my mind over and over again. God, I hated myself. I had judged her wrong all those years ago. I childishly held a vendetta against her just because of the way she looked, by the way she made me feel. Sure she acted like a bitch more than often but now I knew that it was all a facade. She was hiding her awful pain behind a mask.

She said she didn't want pity but she got more than that, when I couldn't stop crying. She had to console me. My tears were for her, for the horrors she had been through, for being misjudged by everyone, especially me. How could I not see. How could have I've being oblivious to the small signs. I guess I was to busy hating. To busy being jealous. I was in my own selfish bubble. When I look back she really had no one aside from Tony. He was the only one who stood up for her, who overlooked her catty behaviour. He was the only one who would back her up when the need arises. The horrors she suffered at the hands of her sadistic stepfather. That was the hardest to listen to. How could a grown man do such things to a young teenage girl. That man was a monster. It was a shame that Gina didn't get to put him behind bars. The beast deserved to be locked up forever.

I choked back a sob. Tony.. I have done him so wrong. I have made him suffer all this time. I have deprived him of being a father. I don't think he could ever forgive me for this. If you love someone you're suppose to give them the benefit of the doubt. You trust them. You listen to them and hear them out. The choice I have made all those years ago have not only impacted me, it has also impacted him to. Maybe more so

I had to make this right. The sooner the better. I can't afford to waste anymore time. I owe it Tony and to my children. I'm so nervous. I can't stop shaking. I have arranged to see Tony Tomorrow. I want to talk. Just me and him. I want to apologise for everything. The butterflies in my stomach are not helping the situation at all.

I hope I can keep my shit together. I tend to make a fool out of myself when I'm nervous. The downfall is I'm always nervous when Tony is in close vicinity with me. To think that I would be over having those feelings for him. Er no, even after all this time I still find myself as that teenage girl who knew that he was the one for me when I saw him meet my eyes on my fourteen birthday.

I refused to let the tears escape. I just realised that although I would make every effort for Tony To get to know his children, the bittersweet pill I had to swallow was that he would only see me as the mother of his children and nothing more. I know I deserve everything he throws at me. I can't imagine how he must have felt all these years. The way I left, Matt cutting him out of his life, Mom deciding to move away with me. How can he oversee all that.! How can he forgive me!

I now realised that I had broken his heart. I was the one who had taken his future that he wanted to build with me and crushed it when I left. To think that I was the victim in this unfortunate story of ours, but the true victim is Tony. If I had done this to him whilst I still loved him then what did I expect from him in return.

I don't know what his feelings towards me are. He probably hates the sight of me. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I know that even if he does has ill feelings towards me I would still do whatever it takes to get him to know his children. My feelings and my pride are not important when it comes to my children knowing their father.

Walking back to my bed, I slipped between the sheets and sought sleep. After a while of tossing and turning sleep did finally come. However my dreams were of an angry man with the most beautiful eyes and the power to make or break me.