What Actually Happened With Thorin in Mirkwood

Gloín (or, Ha I Stole Your Stuff )

Thranduil: What?! When? Where? Why?

Legolas: You know, when we captured them all after the spider attack!

Thranduil: Oh, that. So, did you find any money or jewels or objects of interest?

Gloín: *indignantly* My possessions are not yours to take or inspect! They are rightfully mine, as they will be for future generations! 

Thranduil: Stop talking!

Legolas: And no, we did not find any gems. BUT there were a few coins...hold on...*digs in pockets* Oh, look, they're still here. 

Thranduil: Wow, I love finding money. *to Gloín* Do you like finding money?

Gloín: Most especially after PEOPLE STEAL IT!

Legolas: It's not stealing, it's permanently borrowing!

Gloín: -_-

Legolas: Oh, I almost forgot. Look at this! *pulls out rusted locket*

Gloín: STOP IT no HeY *runs at them*

Thranduil: *lazily flicks finger* 

Guards: *grab him* 

Legolas: This is a picture of his family! They're goblins, you see. 

Gloín: STOP SPREADING RUMORS ABOUT MY SON

Legolas: I'm not! It isn't exacly a rumor that he looks like a goblin mutant!

Thranduil: He really does...

Legolas + Thranduil: *closely inspect locket* 

Thranduil: You know, I--*looks up* 

Gloín: *is gone* 

Legolas: What the Feanor--*runs out* 

Thranduil: Guards! The prisoner has escaped!

Guards: *are already gone* 

Thranduil: Um okay, fine. 

****Meanwhile****

Gloín: Ooh, I like this! *shoves candlestick into coat* and this *picks up dagger* *runs to a random bedroom* Oh, look at his cute mirror!! *shoves it into clinking pockets* 

Guards: HALT, YOU BELLICOSE PRISONER! *draw swords*

Gloín: Heyyy! *grins* 

*****5 min later****

Thranduil: Do you love my prison or something?!

Gloín: *really grumpy* Of course not, you arrogant aardvark! I hate it with every fiber the world has ever contained. 

Thranduil: That's odd. 

Gloín: How is that odd?! Oh, I remember, you LOVE IT because YOU BUILT IT!

Thranduil: I actually didn't, but whatever. Honestly, for someone who has just told me they hate my beautiful dungeons, you sure want to stay there for a realllllly long time.

Gloín: Stop riddling me, elf!

Thranduil: Very well. Congratulations, you've just extended your stay at my prison by ten years on charges of attempted thievery.

Gloín: .....what?! But I--

Legolas: ...was trying to steal stuff.

Gloín: But I didn't!

Thranduil: BECAUSE YOU WERE CAUGHT, YOU DOLT!

Gloín: But...but it's not just me...Nori steals too!

Thranduil: I know, Elrond told me. Starfish-hair, right?

Gloín: Stop harassing everyone. Just let us go.

Thranduil: *scoffs* No, that's boring.

Legolas: Alright, may we please get over trying to steal things and finish with the interrogation?

Gloín: Yeah! *looks meaningfully at Thranduil and Legolas*

Legolas: *exasperated* I DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING!!!

Gloín: Oh, really? Then why do you possess a picture of my BEAUTIFUL FAMILY?!

Legolas: First: These are spoils of war and therefore do not count as theft. Besides, we can't just not search prisoners! Then they bring in frying pans for whatever reason and try to cook stuff!

Gloín: Someone did that?!

Thranduil: I think it was Bimbo. 

Legolas: ....who is Bimbo?

Thanduil: That other item with the oversized body mass. 

Gloín: Oh, Bombur. Of course he did! Darn, I wanted to eat some of his--

Legolas: Stop interrupting! And second, why in Arda would you want this picture?! It's like if you got a disease and you took a picture and carried it everywhere! So I think I'm doing you a favor, your welcome. 

Gloín: You are rude!!!!!

Thranduil: And you are crude. Please, do tell, why were you in my forest? 

Gloín: Because Gandalf just left us there and was like "Go forth and I shall meet you on the other side" or something. Unfortunately your overgrown creep garden got us lost so here we are. 

Legolas: That doesn't make sense. 

Gloín: It's not my problem you can't comprehend basic phrases. 

Thranduil: STOP BELITTLING PEOPLE!!

Gloín: Stop yelling!

Legolas: Stop having goblin mutant relatives!!

Gloín: Stop--

Thranduil: Stop. Just stop. Legolas, tea. 

Legolas: Fine. Fine. *leaves* 

Thranduil: Well, I suppose you are quite as useless as the rest of your lot. Bye! Enjoy your unequiveocal stay at our hospitable inn!

Gloín: I can't even...Thorin will hear about this...

Thranduil: Oh, boo-hoo, poor you. What's Thorin going to do, yell at me? "I'm Thorin, the drama queen! Get off my lawn!" Wow, I'm terrified. 

Legolas: *shows up with tea* "I'm Thorin and I heart money!" 

Thranduil and Legolas: *laugh* 

Gloín: Do not speak of him like that!

Thranduil: My apologies *chokes on tea while trying to contain laughter*

Legolas: Guards! 

Guards: Yes? 

Legolas: Are you somewhat aquainted with Thorin Oakenshield? 

Guard: Oh, that one guy who is always yelling? Never shaves? 

Thranduil: Get it, like all of them? 

Guard: It is likely. Why? 

Legolas: *shrugs* No reason. My King, have we finished? 

Thranduil: Fortunately. But truly, in the amount of time I have wasted on these quarrelsome creatues, the Necromancer has probably already risen again. *scowls* 

Legolas: Take him away! And make sure to search him. 

Guards: *bow and leave*

Thranduil: *sighs* I think next time we shall have to have Lindir do it....