Say It

twenty three

"Why are you here?" I asked seriously.

His laughter died down when he saw my serious demeanor. "I'm here to help, babygirl." I scoffed, shaking my head and looking back out of the window. "I don't like ya anger towards me. That's gotta change. It almost killed you."

I cut my eyes at him before redirecting my attention to the little girl waiting on the school bus. I didn't want to creep her out so I stared at something else.

"You ignorin' me?"

I took a sip of my water. "Your pop ups aren't helping." I glanced back at him.

"Do you even listen to ya moms anymore? Or anyone? I'm here to help. I'm the source of ya pain so I gotta be the remedy." He said with a some irritation in his voice.

I shrugged. "I didn't ask."

"Well if I knew you'd be a brat, I woulda just said fuck crossin' over."

That caused me to look at him. "I'm the reason you haven't.. transitioned?" I asked lowly.

Shiloh nodded. "Precisely."

What the hell? Am I in a damn movie or something?

"Nah, this real life." Shiloh answered my questions in my head. I cut my eyes at him again. "Sorry. It's a habit."

My order came and I thanked the lady again. But now my appetite was gone.

"You gon' have to eat, tho'." Shiloh looked at me. "So go on."

I looked at him before picking up my spoon and eating my food. I shook my head, not really believing what I was being told. This wasn't fair.

"So you're eventually gonna leave me again." I said aloud to myself, chuckling bitterly. "Wow."

"Nia."

"One time wasn't enough?" I looked at him.

Shiloh sighed. "I was killed, Nia. Stop goin' backwards. Ya therapist got through to you onnat."

"Well if we're going to do this, taking accountability is needed." I said.

"You think I wanted to die?" He gritted through his teeth. "I wanted to come home to you. And forget about Travis. Forget about Compton. I wanted a new life."

His eyes got glossy, but he blinked the tears away. "I was going to tell you that I loved you when I got back from Seattle."

Shiloh nodded. "I already knew you did. I died knowin' that."

I picked at my food, biting the inside of my lip. "How?"

"I told you. I'ma spiritual nigga. I felt the energy shift."

I quickly wiped the tear that fell, blinking the rest of them away. "How are you going to help me, Shiloh?" I switched the conversation.

"I'ma give you everything you need to kno' and wanna kno', but only when you're ready. You got some unanswered questions and some feelins' you need help navigatin' through. You're angry and heartbroken. That's causin' a conflict with you and Jace. You can't love him cause you're still in love with me."