This Is Why

L E T T E R S N E V E R S E N T

letters never sent

- (phrase) handwritten or electronic mail that never made it to the person or place it was intended for

To: miles.strauss@threemail.com.de
Cc/Bcc:

Subject: Screw you, Miles
Draft saved on September 4, 3:29AM (GMT+8)

Dear Miles,

You know what? Screw you.

wHAT kind of a person shwos you he cares about you and then frickn leaves in the middle of winter almost 10,000 kilometers away from you? What kind of person showers you with compliments and self-image boosters and then never calls, never texts, never writes you again EVER? What kind of person holds you close, tells you "you're beautiful, damn it, why can't you see that," then kisses you on your cheeks then on your nose and your forehead and all in the next year never talk to you again?

What the heck, Miles. What the frickn heck.

I hope that you have a nice life. I hope you're successful in life and I hope you feel like a bigshot because someone is crying over you.

I am actually crying over you and it's stupid and annoying and it's ruining my life and everytime I see a couple, I get this bitter taste in my mouth and all I do is feel like puking and not try to hit anything and I am not even a violent person anyway.

I hate that i don't even know what the heck I'm feeling because i don't know who I'm angry at and I thought i was moving on, i really did but i log into facebook and what do i see?

i'm not even friends with you anymore?? I didn't do the unfriending that's for sure. I could've, because i WAS THE ONE LEFT BEHIND

I SHOULD BE THE ONE WRITING YOU OFF MY LIFE BUT NO

I'm staying, Miles

I have always stayed

YOU HAVE ALWAYS LEFT

And screw you for making me feel like this

screw you for making me miss your arms around me. screw you for kissing my forehead enough to know your lips start chapping right before we go to dinner. screw you for making me see my favourite sweater and think about how it used to smell just like you because its was yours and now it's mine and I can't wear it without thinking of you and screw it.

screw you miles for making me think of you when i was supposed to go on a freaking date screw you for making me freaking think of you when i shouldnt be

screw you, Miles for not even trying when I told you i would try and i didn't even believe in relationships that much then and I sure as heck don't believe in them now

screw you miles i hate your guts

SCREW YOU MILES BECAUSE I SAY THAT BUT I KNOW I NEVER MEAN IT AND I PROBABLY NEVER WILL

I HOPE YOU HAVE A FANTASTIC LIFE MILES I HOPE YOU DO

- - -

September 9

New Text Message

To: Rosalie (Boss)

I'm sorry I just broke three vases you can take it out of my salary i'm so sorry

- - -

September 17

To: prof.mac@aog.edu
Cc/Bcc:
Subject: Politley asking for an extension because i'm a lazyass
Draft saved on September 17, 10:09AM (GMT+8)

Good morning, Professor,

I just wanted to ask if it was possible for me to get an extension for the paper? I'm being a little sh*t and I didn't get to finish my homework

- - - 

Hana Nojima
P.O. BOX 1765
Kanashi-ku, Chiba-to,
316-4009 JAPAN

September 22

Dearest Hana,

Thank you so much for the wedding invitation! I can't believe you and Keita are finally getting married. Honestly, how long have you guys been together? I love you both so much but I'm also bummed you didn't make me your flower girl. We pinky-promised on that, remember? (I'm kidding, but I'm actually not, you better let me throw flower petals or else.)

Anyway, remember when you and Keita first broke up all those years ago? We had a family reunion that weekend, and you were holed up in your room and Aunt Mari kept telling me to check up on you. All I remember was your perpetual box of tissues and me telling you you were overreacting right in your face. I'm sorry about that. I know it's years down the road, and we're still the closest of cousins, but the memory came back to my mind and I just realised I never really apologised for that. You were hurting, and your heart was in a million pieces then and I didn't understand that and I'm sorry.

I know how it feels now. Back then I didn't. I didn't understand what it felt like to have to remind myself to breathe whenever I---

- - -

October 6

Dear Phoebe,

Grow the f*ck up.

- - -

October 11

New Message

To: Kate, Yuji, Yoshiki T., Kyle, Ayumi

I love u all but can u not talk about miles and his new gf when we're together it's kind of annoying. I'm not bitter or anything it's just I want to study in silence please, thx

- - -

To: miles.strauss@threemail.com.de
Cc/Bcc:
Subject: ...
Draft saved on October 15, 7:38PM (GMT+8)

Dear Miles,

I see how desperate I am by even thinking about writing you this e-mail. But I have to know...

How did you do it? How did you let me go so easily?

A few weeks ago, before summer ended, I went to the beach with the guys and like the child that I am, I was playing in the sand and looking for shells while everyone else sat together and drank beer. My collection of broken shells and sea glass was growing by the second, and I tried to hold them all but once I broke for a jog to get what I assumed was a perfectly intact shell, they all fell from my hands and onto the ground and the wave came in and just like that all my hard work was gone.

I was so pissed at myself for not holding them tight enough, but I was also quite pleased with the fact that I was able to catch the shell I had my eyes on before the wave washed it away. But upon closer inspection, the shell was not perfect. It had sharp edges and it cut my finger and it hurt a lot because of the saltwater I so stupidly used to wash the wound with.

I realised then and there that it was easy to let go of something you didn't grasp well enough. 

I guess it was like that with you, huh? You didn't hold me as tight as I thought you did. That when you had to, you just dropped me and moved on.

I wish I was like that, Miles. I really do.

I don't like wounds because of the blood. I don't like scars, and now I don't really like shells and the beach anymore. And I'm sorry I'm still holding you so tight.

Haha, wow, I just reread this and I must have read way too many poems because I sound really deep right now, ngl

Guess you make me dramatic, is all.

- - -

October 27

New Message

To: Miles Strauss

She's beautiful. And you look happy. I hope you treat her well.

- - -