This Is Why

C L E N C H

clench

- (v) to press or close tightly together so as to suppress a strong emotion

I used to always take the train home late for fun. I didn't really have a reason to stay out so late, but train rides were just so much more different at night, especially in my part of the city. My dad thought it was silly, risking the chance of missing my last train just because I wanted to spend some time with myself. I told him I just had to do it sometimes. I had to.

It was a time to just sit and look out the window without really seeing anything. It was a time to listen to a new album in it's entirety. It was a time to just think. It was just me and a handful of strangers, all in one place while still being worlds away. 

When Miles first started to take the train with me to "make sure I got home safe," I didn't know what to do. I thought it would be rude not to talk to him or anything, but after a while, I noticed he was fine with the quiet too.

The few conversations we had were hushed, and people were too far away or too tired to understand what we were even saying. I shared my secrets with him in low tones, in whispers; as if I did not and could never have the courage to say them out loud.

The quiet, late night train rides were something I looked forward to everyday.

But when Miles left, I started to go home earlier. I avoided the late night commutes as much as possible, mainly because I was all by myself now. What I wanted before: solitude, being in a train car with only five other people in it, and letting time pass, only intensified the loneliness, and I didn't find comfort in them at all.

Too bad I couldn't avoid the late night commutes entirely.

Kate and I were both travelling to my house after a long day. Right after school, we rushed to a bar to watch Yoshiki and his band play a gig. It was kind of a big deal and there was quite a turnout. Yuji and Kate were both too busy flirting near the bar, so I spent the majority of the evening sitting near the door, walking out every now and then so that I could inhale something other than cigarette-smoke, sweat-tainted air. I just hope Yoshiki didn't take it personally.

"I am so tired," Kate complained as we boarded the train. I flinched a bit at her loud voice, my body reacting to a change in something that used to be so routine.

The thing about Kate was that quiet to her was optional. If she didn't have to be quiet, she wouldn't be quiet.

"Didn't you think Yoshiki's band was good?" She gushed. "Yuji said they might get signed soon."

I nodded and gave her a smile. "They've got quite the fans too," I whispered, hoping she would get the hint and lower her voice.

We settled into a silence, but I knew it wouldn't last.

"Maybe I should cut my hair like that, what do you think?" She blurted, pointing to an ad. The two other people on the train looked up and followed her finger. I turned to look at them and tried to silently apologise for ruining their peace.

When I didn't give an answer, Kate nudged me with her elbow. "Hey, you all right?"

"Oh, uh, yeah," I muttered before clearing my throat. "I'm just tired."

"Does something remind you of Miles again?" She asked with a tone, just as the train slowed to a stop. The electronic voice that announced the station was too cheery, too loud.

"What? No!" I scoffed but my voice rose a little bit.

"You had that look on your face." Kate said simply.