A journal of the criminally insane.

August 24th, 2007

You know, I can still hear her voice sometimes, or her last breath. I wanted to catch it in a jar so she would never stop breathing. So that she would not be lost. But that wouldn't have saved her. Nothing could. She's gone. And she's never coming back. The day that she died, I lost more than just a girlfriend. I lost my world. My hope for humanity. I lost faith. I needed her more than ever that day, and instead I had to hold her as she drug out that last breath. I had to watch as the blood pooled around her arms, resting on my chest. I had to see the light in her eyes fade, and die. I had to know she was gone. Who could forget a day like that?

We used to listen to music together, wish our lives away. Wish that things could be different. Wish that all the pain would fade. It could have, eventually. If she had just held on. I knew she was fading. I could feel it in her stare, see it in her eyes. I just didn't know it would all happen so fast. That phone call was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I could hear her voice, a faint whisper, strained, dying. I couldn't believe that it could possibly be her, my Katie, bleeding her life away. She said it was a mistake, asked me to come quickly. I ran faster than I've ever ran before. But it wouldn't have mattered if I could have gotten there before she could even say goodbye, once she cut those cords she was gone. We could have spent our lives together. We could have been happy. Where the hell did it all go?

I miss her. So much. Every minute. Of every day. But that's all gone now. I have to forget. But I can't. She would want me to remember. How do I remember without destroying my life? How do I get that back? The sun poked through a little today. I managed to remember without the pain. It felt... happy. I ran home that day. Her blood on my arms. Her death heavy on my heart. I didn't know how to move on from that. Who would? I still don't. I wish she was here. I wish I could get out. I NEED to get out. Why am I here? I'm mentally stable! I'm not her! I don't know. I just don't know.