Someone I Used To Be

Chasing dawn

If I chase dawn, where will it lead? Where will I go when the sun eventually rises? It's a dark path I know, but I'm willing to walk it alone.

Tsk! I hissed for god knows how many times. You're the idiot, you're the stupid, you're been played. What normal practising Muslim in his right senses would go for a barbie instead of a fully covered muslimah. I mean, not that I'm a barbie, but i know I'm not a nun. for godsake he forced me into this marriage when I could end up with some bussines tycoon or perhaps date all men and settle with none. I promised the newspapers big money yesterday and the only thing stopping me right now is the syringes pierced in my veins restricting my movement! I reached for my phone and dialled the only person I'm certain will be of help to me.

"what in the world girl?calling me this early hour?" helen complained. I ignored her. "Abdullah did not come back!" I blurted close to tears. I know I need to cry to let go the painful lump in my throat. I have made up a thousand hypothesis of what may have happened. None of which i wished will come true. I hope, sincerely hope ...

"What?! Oh, God save me from that bastard!" Helen yelled, I could vision her surging out of bed and reaching for her closet. "I've always hate this guy" I heard her mutter. I hear a zipping sound too, meaning she's already dressed. "Alright babe, I'm glad you called me first. Just, stay there. I'm coming to get you out of there now, we could deal with this sorry looser" Before I could respond, she dropped the line dead. She's literarily pissed than I was. Thing is, I'm confused, hell I don't know what to think. I don't know. You see, humans have pre installed thoughts, If I cut you, you feel hurt, & you learn not to trust me. These things we feel have already occurred in our imaginations. Once you've thought of what to do when you're sad, so when you're sad, you immediately do it to feel happy. Sadness is a pain we can imagine. My point here is, I have never imagined anything close to THIS! It's not a summer feeling of meeting Brad Pitt on the beach, my situation, I feel nothing believe me, it's not even a feeling...

I heard the door open, stirring me out of my blank stare. I lay unable to move a finger, randomly catching breath. "Babe..." It was Helen, catching her breath. "Listen, I just talked to them, the doctors and the meddling nurse downstairs. I convinced them, Long story short, we are going. But! He's coming to check for your vitals. For my sake, just cooperate. Because I am dying to get my heels in Abdullah's sorry throat" I didn't quite grab what she said, but I nodded.

The usual doctor and his team came in after her. It seems she ran to get there fast so I know what's up. Cooperate... I repeated in my mind, like its a life line mantra.

"Mrs. Abdullah..." The doctor started. I felt my heart clenched. Although I do not have a tangible proof of where he went last night, my guts are not comfortable with it. "... Yesterday you impressed me by taking all of your drugs. I am certain you will continue just that at home, with a family. It appears to me, you are not comfortable at the hospital, which I genuinely apologise. But I understand some patients will prefer to be catered for by a close family. Good news I will let you leave" he watched as I broke in a thousand pieces of smile. Stupid fool! That was what I wanted since a week ago, I don't know how Helen convinced him atlast, but her mouth did paid off today. He explained to me it will take a few processes to check me out. He recommends I come back according to the schedule for check ups. It'll be a tough process, but so I am.

After what seemed to be forever, Helen finally came back in to the room. "We've checked you out. Wow, it's a lot complicated than I thought" I nodded. I don't need the details, last thing I want is someone trying to take me out of reality. I hate when I'm pissed and someone is making a joke so I laugh and momentarily forget about my future or problems. Life isn't a joke and on all levels should be taken seriously! Helen understands. She quietly packed my stuffs. My stuffs, stuffs I wished I haven't asked for. "Helen, what if Abdul slept at home, what if nothing happened and it's just us assuming things" through my cloudy brain, I tried to reason. I tried to give my husband an excuse for leaving yesterday against my will, spending his night else where and refusing to call his loving wife the next morning. It's already past noon, and my hope for him is still alive. Judge me, I'm still in love!