Jem the Genderfluid

          I wake up, wincing at the blinding rays of sunshine streaming through the blinds of my window. I begrudgingly drag myself out of bed and to my closet, avoiding looking into the floor length mirror resting beside the entryway to my walk-in closet. Looking around at my clothes I try to push down the feeling of gender dysphoria rushing through my veins. Groaning in disappointment I pick out an outfit I consider to be gender neutral enough to keep my dysphoria at ease. After getting dressed and feeling a bit more comfortable, I walk over and inspect myself in the mirror. I look acceptable in my baggy black sweatshirt, black jeans and Vans to top it all off. I look at my face and sigh, despising its features, and bringing my dark brown hair in front of my face a little bit, covering one eye, and putting a beanie on.
       
          “[Insert birth name]! You’re going to be late to the school bus!” My mom yells somewhere in the distance. I cringe at hearing my birth name, wishing she’d call me by the nickname that I’d asked her to time and time again, but she refused. My parents were totally oblivious to my true gender identity, because as much as it was uncomfortable to be misgendered most of the time, I was more terrified of coming out to my parents, and how they’d react.
      
         I grumble out a reply and grab my backpack from beside my desk, slinging it onto my shoulder as I make my way through my hose and to the front door. “Have a good day at school darling!” I hear my mom yell as I open the door and walk out. As if it is so easy to just “have a good day,” in a place as stress inducing as school, especially for someone like me.
  
      I arrive at school in a grumpy mood, hearing my mother’s words over and over again in my head as I drive. I can’t help but feel a cloud of self-hatred raining over me. The main fear I have towards telling my parents that I’m genderfluid are the negative connotations that come with it. I had done a lot of research on my gender identity, trying to learn more about it as well as to ensure that I wasn’t jumping into a label that didn’t actually apply to me. With the research came the realization of how people in society viewed people like me, with hatred and arrogance. Some people believed that people who were transgender were just trying to get attention, that it was more of a gender expression than a gender identity. Many people confused the term gender for sex; yes there are two sexes, but multiple genders of which you could identify as.
 
       Few understand that being genderqueer was not a choice, we were born this way. And even when ftm or mtf transgender people were starting to be accepted, some other people who fell under the umbrella term were still less respected. It’s easier to explain that you have a male mind trapped in a female body, and vice versa. However, to claim yourself as sometimes being male, sometimes being female, sometimes being both, or even neither? It’s not so easily accepted or understood, which I guess I understand. In my many years of denial, I would’ve laughed at the thought and called those kinds of people crazy. But that was before I did my research, before I realized that the hatred towards my body wasn’t just body shaming, but was my gender dysphoria.
  
      I made it to my first class without much conflict, keeping my head down so as to reduce attention directed towards me. I’ve come to loath Christian school, the fact that the lgbtq community was so discriminated. First period was always torture because it was theology class, and no matter what religion we were studying, I was considered as a sinner whose only fate in the afterlife was Hell. It was utterly infuriating that these people were so close minded, that they couldn’t just respect us. The least they could do is respect us, I’m not asking that they have to understand or support us, just give us respect that we deserve.

        In theology class we are discussing why people are sometimes reluctant to agree with the beliefs of the church. We are told that we should always feel comfortable to challenge the beliefs of the church so as to get feedback and clarity back about anything that we question. Then we are all encouraged to bring up topics we don’t quite agree with in terms of religion if we have any. I snort at the prospect, as if my opinion of the lgbtq community was being very highly discriminated. Unfortunately my snort pulled the instructors attention to me and I couldn’t help but sink down in my chair, wishing I could disappear.