Grey - joshler

Chapter four

And there was my cue, I heard a small cough come from him again, and my eyes trailed upwards again, only now I took in his full outer appearance. He wore a pair of worn converse, the soles beginning to wear and the shoelaces sloppily tied. His skinny jeans hugged his slim yet muscular legs perfectly and he was practically drowning in the bright yellow fabric of his hoodie a considerable amount of sizes too big for him. The sleeves hung off of his arms, forming seal hands I could imagine him playfully hitting someone with. Finally, my eyes settled on that face of his once more, all his best features glowing in the moonlight.

I raised an eyebrow in confusion when he didn't say anything and continued staring right at me. Unsure of what to do I blatantly stated 

"hello"

I'll admit, this time I didn't feel the need to recoil at the sound of my disgusting voice leaving my mouth, because rather, I was transfixed on him as he broke out into a smile "well now you've gone and ruined our moment" he laughed out. I wasn't sure whether to be confused , concerned or hurt by that, but either way I didn't mind seeing as I got to see his angelic sounds fill the thin air that surrounded us. It was truly strange being able to talk to someone this late at night, hearing nothing except them and knowing there is nobody around to hear what you have to say, this is one of the reasons I love the night the most, no one can hear you, judge you, or hurt you, except for yourself that is. So being here with Josh was oddly calming, I had someone to talk to, even if they won't want to stick around for much longer.

"sorry" he said once his laughter had died down, and everything had gone back to how it was, except this time I caught myself smiling like an idiot, him returning the favour. "hello to you too" he said back, reaching out a hand to shake my own. His sense of humour was much funnier than mine could ever be and I giggled as I too reached my hand out, feeling the weight of it in my own. 

I really hoped he would stick around for bit longer, but deep down I knew he couldn't wait for me to go and leave him alone, all I was doing was bugging him, he probably had better things to do. Like always I'll be left on my own again, choking on dust as everyone else progresses, and silly old me is stuck with my worst fears, in a lions den. I hoped, I hoped with all my grey and nonexistent heart that Josh would let me into his life. I wanted to see more of his smiles, laughs, feel his hugs, see the way his whole face lit up at the smallest thing, despite the evident torment he was going through and I could picture the relentless cycle of self hate hate and depression going on in his mind.

The only problem is, would he want someone like me, a complete mess and revolting person, into his life? I'd only slow him down, maybe even contribute to his suffering. I knew all hope was lost for me, I never really planned to live longer than this, but in my heart, something told me he still had a lot going for him, many happy years. If only I could bring him, the happiness he deserved and chase away the storm clouds, and welcome a sunny day instead.

Finally I brought up the courage to ask him, after arguing with myself in my head, "What is your story then?", indicating to him, my hands instantly pulling at my jumper sleeves pulling at the loose threads. I prayed I didn't offend him, but what actually happened was much worse than that. He suddenly had an extremely sad look on his face as he stared into the distance, his mind probably churning, and thoughts most definitely running at 100 miles per hour. I watched as he caught his lip between his teeth and wished I had never brought it up as he picked at the broken flesh, sighed and began speaking again.

"I'm not even entirely sure. It's all happened so soon, before I knew it I was covered in grey and they just kept growing, I willed them to go away, since this has happened before, but this time they just won't leave! I'm this close to giving up, everyone else seems to have. My brain won't function, body doesn't want to cooperate and my heart doesn't want to love anymore. All of my friends think I'm hopeless and left me alone with my thoughts. People just assume I'll be fine, they tell me that its fine and I just need to get over it, or that its natural and they understand. But how can they understand if I don't even fucking understand myself?! I've really been thrown under the bus here, I just, I-I just gah! I don't know, I'm a mess and I'm sorry, I'll shut up now" he mumbled the last bit, a stray tear rolling down his face as he hid behind his hand and shrunk even further into his jumper, scooting into the corner even more. I couldn't believe what I'd done as I witnessed his happy self suddenly hide away again and I hated myself for that.