Baby It's Cold Outside ✔️

Cracked Glass

Kaylee couldn't remember the last time mother had kissed her goodnight.

She couldn't remember the last time mother had kissed or paid any attention to her at all. The childhood of tea parties and dress-ups felt like something Kaylee had watched on TV or had seen in a rom-com. None of it felt real.

What felt real now were the broken bottles of beer strung out on the linoleum floor as her parents had yet another fight. What felt real now were the 3 am sobs echoing through the shadow home. What felt real now was how her family was really falling apart.

So hugs were replaced with indifferent gazes from across the room. Pillow fights were replaced by wooden-bat, and knife fights. Kaylee shrank further into the shadows, as she watched the people she grew up with grow apart.

Kaylee was 10 years old when her mother hugged their final goodbye. It was Sunday, she was receiving her First Communion, and Kaylee had donned her favorite blouse and red skirt for the occasion, but when Kaylee started to lead mother towards the car, her mother shook her head gently and removed her hand from Kaylee's grasp.

"What's wrong mom? Aren't you going to go with us?" Kaylee asked

"I'm going on an adventure, dear.."

"Can I come with you?"

"No... this adventure is only for mothers with daughters in red skirts. When I complete the adventure, you can come with me,"

"Okay mom, have fun! Don't forget to tell me and dad all about it!" Kaylee replied, ignoring how mother flinched when the other member of their family was mentioned.

As Kaylee and her father drove away, Kaylee looked back and saw her mother standing as still as a statue on their front porch. Kaylee was too young to realize the tears streaking down mother's face weren't tears of joy, but tears of misery.

Perched at the back of the car, Kaylee raised her two arms, as if she was to embrace the receding shape of her mother.

A huge gust of wind swept across their neighborhood; trees rustled and swayed to the beat of the whimsical harmonies, one tree more than the others. The Tree who was just a young sapling raised its infant branches and held it out shakily to the direction of the lady standing on the front porch.

Just like Kaylee, the Tree wished that it, too, could embrace the woman.

But this wasn't some sappy rom-com where the father would suddenly be overpowered by love for his wife, and he'd stop the car, kill the engine, and run back into her loving arms.

This wasn't some fantasy where the whole neighborhood would emerge and break out into a perfectly-choreographed dance as the family was whole once again.

And this wasn't some fairytale that would end with the little girl's tinkling voice narrating loads of inspiring bullshit how people would always find their way back home.

Kaylee's father had fallen out of love a long time ago when the waves of booze slowly washed over the shores of sobriety. Smoke filled the car as her father took yet another hit from a grimy joint.

"Go back. Go back to mommy." Kaylee thought, and she pushed the thought towards her father's mind, but it got lost in the cloud of confusion and smoke rising from his pipe.

Kaylee dared one last glance as her guardian angel faded from the rear-view mirror. She noticed many trees, one young apple tree, in particular, had their branches outstretched towards both of them, as if trying to pull them back together.

However, it could have just been 10-year-old Kaylee's imagination, simply hoping all along that her mother didn't go on an adventure that lasted forever.

---

The following month, the divorce papers arrived in the mail, but they were quickly drenched in the putrid smell of the brown liquid Kaylee's dad kept downing like water. A week later, Kaylee returned from school to three men in suits, as well as one woman who had her hair up in an inexplicably tight bun.

The woman bent over towards the girl clutching her Marie Cat backpack in shyness. She gave Kaylee a tight-lipped smile and cocked her head to the side (since then, this was what Kaylee interpreted as the I'm-Going-To-Smile-And-Pretend-I-Can-Help Look).

"Honey, we'd like you and your dad to go to court tomorrow, to sort the situation out with Ms. Katherine." she began, and Kaylee's eyes lit up at the mention of her mother's maiden name.

"Will I get to see my mother?"

"Yes, you will, dear. But the court is a strict place and there are rules, so if you're not allowed to talk to her please don't argue and just do what the grown-ups tell you, okay?"

Kaylee nodded vigorously, and she didn't sleep a wink that night. Part of her wanted to berate her mother for taking such a long adventure (she was assuming the adventure meant a few days, not a whole month), but mostly Kaylee just wanted to show how much she missed her mother.

It was 1.45am when Kaylee hopped out of her bed, turned on her table-lamp, and started drawing apples. She drew three apples; a small one between two bigs. She gave the first big apple spiky hair like her dad's, the second one long blonde hair like her mom's, and she gave the little apple striking red hair.

An hour later, Kaylee stared at the apple family happily and fell asleep clutching the hope of becoming a happy apple family as well.

The court was huge and daunting. Kaylee felt like a speck of dust floating uselessly across huge rustic benches and tables. For the first time in forever, her dad looked sober as he clutched a brand new copy of (unstained) documents.

His hair was combed back, and he was wearing a suit. Kaylee thought he looked dashing; like a king, and once mother saw him, she'd come back and live with them in their kingdom again.

What Kaylee didn't expect was how her mother walked into the court with another man walking the place her father used to fulfill. The drawing of apples remained tucked into Kaylee's purse, oppressed and crushed little by little as the heated debate went on.

"-drunkard" "foster care" "I'm not taking her but she can't stay with you either-" "adoption"

Kaylee caught fragments of the arguments, but all she could focus on was how another girl walked in and headed towards her mother and the man.

The girl stood by the man's side, and when she raised her arms towards Kaylee's mother, her mother didn't miss a beat and wrapped the girl in an embrace Kaylee had been yearning for all her life.

That's when something in Kaylee snapped.

Kaylee could remember hearing screams, inhumane ones that came from her own throat with such raw anguish they could almost see the pain drawn out in the air.

Kaylee vaguely remembered how she ran towards the other girl and yanked her stupidly perfect blond ponytail so hard she could feel the hair follicles crumbling to dust.

And Kaylee remembered the stricken faces of every single person in the room, as security guards rushed in and hauled out neither the divorcée nor the divorcé, but the little girl caught in between two worlds.

Unloved by both.